I'm gonna tell my Bernard of you!!
You fuckin' dead!
Oi! Come back 'ere, you!
Ronnie !
Geroff that couch and come out 'ere!
Oh, shit! Sorry, I didn't see you there.
Do you live 'ere?
Yeah, I do unfortunately.
Do you know Louise Clancy ?
Yeah. Are you friend of hers?
Know where she is?
She's at work
What time does she get back?
Dunno. About seven or something
Fuckin' hell !
D'you wanna come in for a cuppa tea?
Is it alright with you, love?
It's just, you know, cold
Listen, have you got anything for a headache?
Ah, yeah, we 'ave as it 'appens
You know, like a monkey-wrench or somethin'
What's all this about?
Oh yeah, that's Sandra, that is
Hallo, Sandra.
This is 'er place
She's a fuckin' nurse
That's 'er idea of interior design
Oh yeah - it's a skeletion
And this is 'er cocktail cabinet, an' all
There you go, that should do it
No, it's too big
D'you want a cuppa tea?
So are you Louise's boyfriend?
No.
Oh, right. What, you're just like a mate?
Primate
You must be the missing link then
Yeah, that's me
You're not gonna tell me your name?
No.
I'm not gonna tell you mine neither
All right, we'll be strangers
- I see your boomerang came back then, love - It's not my fuckin' boomerang
What about the old diminishing pachyderm formation there?
No, that's all Sandra's collection
She's in Zimbabwe at the moment.
And fuck knows what she's gonna bring back from there
Pellagra or hepatitis B or something.
She's with her boyfriend
So how is Louise?
I dunno. I don't know 'er as well as you.
D'you get on with 'er?
We've been out a couple o' times.
Does she like you?
I dunno - you'd better ask 'er.
Most people don't.
Do you find she's at all jealous of you?
So, I dunno, would you describe yourself as a happy little person?
Yeah, I'm the life and soul
Have you ever thought, right
I mean, you don't know,
but you may already 'ave had
the happiest moment in your whole fuckin' life
and all you've got to look forward to is sickness
and purgatory?
Oh, shit!
Well, I just live from day to day, meself.
I tend to skip a day now and again - you know what I mean?
I used to be a werewolf,
- But I'm all right noowwww!! - Oh, fuckin' 'ell !!
I bet they're 'appy, eh?
All they gotta do is sit round, howlin' at the moon.
It's better than standin' on the cheesy fuckin' thing. Know what I mean?
I mean, tossin' all these satellites and shuttles out into the cosmos -
what do they think they're gonna find up there that they can't find down 'ere?
They think if they piss high enough,
they're gonna come across the monkey with the beard and the crap ideas,
and it's like, 'Oh! There you are Captain!
I mean , are you busy, because I've got a few fundamental questions for you!'
Are you with me?
Yeah, 'cos let's face it, right, what are rockets?
I mean, they're just , big metal pricks!
You know, I mean, the bastards aren't satisfied with fuckin' the earth up -
they've gotta fuck space an' all.
Will you tell me something, love?
Are you aware of the effect you have on the average
mammalian, Mancunian,
X-Y-ly-chromosome, slavering, lusty male member
of the species?
- Yeah - I thought so.
Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
No !
Do you think women like being raped?
You talk a lot, don't you?
Do you like japanese food?
Look, I've told you - I'm not interested.
All right?
Could I have that a touch harder, please?
All right? Enjoyin' yourself, are you?
I'm 'aving a great time, actually
Bloody 'ell
Oh, friendly!
What are you doin' 'ere? You look like shit.
Just trying to blend in
with the surroundings
Halitosis, halitosis, halitosis!
Can't believe you're 'ere
I'm not 'ere.
I'll tell you what, it's a crackin' place you've got, love.
Good. I'm glad you like it.
No, I was been sarcastic.
Why didn't you tell me you were comin'? I would a' met you off the train.
I didn't come on the fuckin' train.
- Off the bus, then. - I didn't come on the bus either.
So 'ow did you get 'ere then?
Well, basically, there was this little dot, right? And the dot went bang,
and the bang expanded,
energy formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, the fish to fowl, the fowl to frog, the frog to mammal
the mammal to monkey, the monkey to man.
Amo, amas, amat, quid pro quo, memento mori,
ad infinitum, sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese and leave under the grill till Doomsday.
I see you 'aven't changed.
'e's a fuckin' genius, this geezer!
I take it you've met my wicky-wacky friend Sophie?
No, actually, we 'aven't been formally introduced, 'ave we, love?
No, we've been sat 'ere in
embarassin' silence all afternoon.
So , 'ow are you?
Peachy-creamy.
Are you really? I'm very pleased.
So how's, um, work?
It's all right.
Is it everything you hoped it would be?
What did you hope it would be?
I'm sorry - did you get that?
It's everything she hoped it would be,
but she doesn't fuckin' know what she hoped it would be!
Oh, and by the way. Thank you for this!
I mean, are you tekkin' the piss,
or what?
'So, Johnny... My address is'
I'm touched.
- Why 'ave you come? - Oh, can you tell from there?
D'you want a cup o'tea?
I'd love a cup o'tea. You're fuckin'
generous, you cockerneys, aren't yer?
Yeah. Ta.
'ow's yer mam?
Fine. 'ow's yours? Still pullin' pints?
She's dead. She's still a good fuck, though.
I mean the rates are a bit extortionate, but I do get a discount, what with being the son and everything.
Apparently, right, you shouldn't stick
anything up your cunt
you can't put in your mouth.
Give us that mug.
Can I try your coat on, Johnny?
So what you've been up to? 'ave you seen anybody?
Have you seen anybody?
Have you spoken to anybody from Manchester?
Yeah, I've phoned June a couple o' times.
And was June interested in what you had to say?
Fuckin' hell. I've seen more life in an open grave. Come on!!
- What? - What?! I mean, you don't not seem very pleased to see me.
I am pleased to see you!
Are you too good for us? Now you've got yourself a posh job in a big 'shitty'?
I mean, me an''her
- are on the fuckin' dole, aren't we? - Right!
And you're a carrier girl - are you happy with that? Are you sure?
I'm delighted
D'you want some o' this,
Johnny ?
Fuckin' 'ell love, what're you trying to do to me?
Right, well,
I'm going up to me room. D'you want to see it, Johnny?
Is it worth the bother?
Is there anything worth seein'?
Why don't you come and find out? It's not very far.
I'm sorry about this.
Move! Move!
Where are you?
I'm in 'ere.
Oh, it's de-lovely.
I see you've got a ceiling at the top with a floor on the lower level,
and a wall at either side.
And only a single bed. Sad, really
You've got wonderful breasts
Don't you mean tits?
Are they both of the same size,
or is one bigger than the other?
I don't know. Do you want to weigh them?
Is that a proposition?
No, it's a threat.
Are you rich?
- Life is for enjoying. - What's about family,
have you got any brothers or sisters?
I try not to remember.
You are sexually
frustrated, aren't you?
- What's funny? - Are you a feminist?
- Do you like fucking? - Do you like wanking?
Not on my own, no.
That's a very ornithological mutilation you've got here, love.
That's my tribal initiation
It is really?
That was fuckin' athletic, that was.
I think I've ruptured my chakras.
Is there an instruction manual for this garb?
No, it's an intelligence test.
Well what is this? A granny, a sheepshank,
or the infamous round-turn and two half-hitches,
as mentioned in the Book of Ezekiel?
Have you finished?
I've hardly fuckin' begun.
It's just that I think I'm gonna get into difficulties when I read the hippy-shit up here, you know what I mean?
Yeah, well, you've tried the stairs.
I think we should take the escalator.
Simple really. So's this.
Oh. Thanks for the mammaries.
Could you ask her to order me a taxi,
please?
This is terribly disappointing
You don't like rejection, do you,
- Jeremy? - Could we have a taxi, please?
No problem, sir.
It's really cozy, this.
Will you let me come again, Jerry?
You're dead handsome, you know.
What work d'you do?
I'm a dancer, actually.
Do you want to know me name?
It's Giselle.
Are you married?
Wha' ?
Kiss me.
Don't, it's yucky! Get it off!
Are you glad I came?
What are you doin'? Get off me!!
You're hurting me!
Have you ever thought of committing
suicide?
I'm going to commit suicide.
on my fortieth birthday.
If I'm still around.
- Why? - I don't want to be old.
Do you?
Oh. 'Ave a fag
Yeah. Thanks, I will
What you're readin'?
Would you stop fuckin' about and fidgetin' in my peripherals -
I'm trying to concentrate.
She's got a very little waist, Sophie, an't she?
She's got little tits an' all
Are you not cold?
- I'm reading about the Butterfly Effect. - What's the Butterfly Effect?
Every time a butterfly flaps its wings in Tokyo,
this old granny in Salford gets a bilious attack..
What happens if a butterfly flaps it's wings in Salford?
That's not the point.
Oh, is it not?
What are you doin' in London, Johnny?
What are you doin' in London?
I've told you what I'm doin' in London.
You've told me nothing.
The last time I saw you,
- I told you - - Fuckin' hell! Were you born irritatin'?
What you came downstairs for anyway?
I fell asleep with the window open. I was cold. I came down.
I 'ad to pee, I've made some tea, I'm 'ere, all right?
What's that? The greatest story ever told?
I live 'ere
So what 'appened? Were you bored
in Manchester?
Was I bored? No I wasn't fuckin' bored.
I'm never bored. That's the trouble with everybody - you're all so bored.
You've 'ad nature explained to you and you're bored with it.
You've 'ad the living body explained to you and you're bored with it,
You've had the universe explained to you and you're bored with it.
So now you just want cheap thrills and like plenty of 'em and it dun't matter
'ow tawdry or vacuous they are as long as it's new, as long as it's new,
as long as it flashes and fuckin' bleeps in forty fuckin' different colors.
Well, whatever else you can say about me, I'm not fuckin' bored!
Yeah, all right.
So 'ow's it all goin' for you?
It's a bit borin', actually.
Are you not enjoyin' yourself?
Have you made many friends?
No
'Ave you got, erm, a goblet or something, because me heart's bleedin'.
When you goin' back to Manchester?
I'm not going back
- Why not? - You know why not
Do I?
I thought you said you never wanted to see me again
I don't want to ever see you again, so why you just don't fuck off back upstairs?
Why are you such a bastard, Johnny?
- Monkey see, monkey do. - And what does that mean?
Oh, this fuckin' cough.
A butterfly must'ave flapped it's wings.
So, have you got to get up for work now, yeah?
No. It's too early.
I'm going back to bed.
So is she a - a Buddhist or something, this nurse?
No, she's a Catholic.
What's she doin' with the old fat chap in the house, then?
Dunno, I think she fancies him or somethin'.
Louise is a Catholic, did you know that?
She's not, is she?
Oh, fuckin' hell!
You know what frightens me about the human body?
What?
Well, it's like the most sophisticated mechanism in the entire universe,
and yet it's so fuckin' quiet, in't it?
know what I mean?
Dunno... Mine makes enough noise.
It's like this wet, pink factory.
What the fuck are they makin' in there? I mean what's the product?
You never see no delivery trucks comin' or goin', do you?
I could've been a doctor.
D'you wanna examine me?
You don't believe me, do you?
I believe everything you say.
I've got A-level Psychology.
You 'aven't!
"Resolve is never stronger
than in the morning after the night it was never weaker".
What d'you think of that?
It's a load of bollocks.
I thought of that.
D'you not agree with it?
Dunno
Yeah, well, that's 'cos you weren't fuckin' listening, were you?
What's this? A test or somethin'?
Don't! Stop it!
Just pack it in! Stop it!
Stop buggering about!
You could get me a watch, Johnny
Will you just keep still?!
Look, you could get me a watch
I'm not gonna get you a watch - you don't want a fuckin' watch!!
I really like you, Johnny.
You don't know me.
I think I do.
You don't fuckin' -
- ..know me! - Oh, shit!
- D'you still like me? - I love you.
- What? - I'm in love with you, Johnny.
Don't laught - I'm serious, uh!
I understand you Johnny, I do.
Ta-ra, Mr. Halpern.
What's the matter? What's going on?
Fucked if I know.
I'm too old for all this.
Why don't we go out ? Go for a drink or somethin'?
Why don't you fuckin' go out? Go for a drink or somethin'?
'Cos I wanna go with you!
Is this good?
What are you doin'? Where are you goin'?
I'm cold!
- Johnny, I just - - Fuck off!
Fuckin' hell! D'you ever get the feelin' that you're bein' followed?
Look, will you just leave me alone - give me a bit of room or somethin'?
Fuckin' hell!
What's all that about? What you're playing at?
- Where are you going, Johnny? - Off my head.
- I'm comin' with you. - No, you're not.
- I wanna come with you! - I don't want to you fuckin' come with me!
Are you coming back?
What the fuck for?
Maggie !
You all right there, chief?
'Ave you lost somebody?
Are you looking for somebody?
Fuck off, cunt!!
Got a fag?
- Yes, thanks. - Uh?
- Yes, I've got one. - Giz one.
- Please. - Wha'?
Say please.
Just fuckin' giz one. Come on, mister!
You've got a lovely way about you - 'as anybody ever told you that?
'Thank you. That's all right.'
Maggie !
She's gone, mate!
Those days are over.
Have you seen a lassie wanderin' aboot here?
What?
A lassie. Black hair, blue jeans.
I saw a little Border collie padding off down there towards a fire.
Where?
'Ave you lost your bird or somethin'?
Aye. Have you've seen her? Black hair?
- No - Fuckin' hell! Stupid fuckin' cunt's gone
and got lost.
- You're from Scotland? - Uh?
- Are you scots? - Aye.
What's it like up there?
Fuckin' shite! I'll kick her fanny in.
- D'you dream in Scotch? - Uh?
Like, dream about sporran-clad, caber-tossin'
haggis, gallopin' over porridge-covered glens?
Talking shite.
Yeah, well, I sent off for one of those Linguaphone packages, 'Talk Shite in a Fortnight' -
't's all goin' very well. I haven't quite got the hang of the transitive verbs yet, but -
Will you fuckin' shut it, eh?!
- What you're doing down here? - Eh?
Why are you here in London, O Bodhidharma?
Put my old man in hospital.
- Your dad? - Ah.
- 'Ow did you do that, then? - Cracked 'im on the nut wi' a poker.
- What for? - 'E was fuckin' asking for it!
So what, is 'e in a bad way?
Fuckin' right. He's 'alf dead.
What does you mam think about it?
She's off 'er fuckin' nut.
So you're like on the run, yeah?
- Aye. - Yeah, me too.
Yeah? The cops after you? Yeah?
- Can you tell me something', Jock. - Uh?
What's all that about?
That. The old Highland fling, there. D'you know you're doing that?
- What? - That, you know - 'And now for my next tic...'. That.
Look, it, it just happened again - I'm not imaginin' it.
Fuck off, eh?
D'you do that in a sack with the old tic, spit, 'Eh, Maggie!'?
You must be a great fuckin' shag.
You takin' the piss?!
You're fuckin' givin' it away, aren't yer?
Fuckin' come on, cunt! Kick your fucking' head open!!
What's it like being you?
Bit hectic?
Fuck off, poof!
Do you believe in self-fulfillin' prophecies?
You know, like, Nostradamus?
'E was like this sixteenth-century astrologer.
An''e wrote in one of 'is quatrains that this goon called Hister would invade Poland.
So Hitler reads it, and thinks 'Hister: Hitler. Must mean me',
and invades Poland.
So when the guy prophesied that the world would end in 1999, which 'e did,
does that therefore mean that we're fulfilling the prophecy
by precipitatin' the Apocalypse?
Are you with me?
Do you think the world will end in 1999?
Listen, mate, what d'you think to this?
Why don't you 'ave a little wander round and go look for the wee lassie, an' I'll wait 'ere?
And if she turns up, I'll keep 'er 'ere till you get back? 'Ow does that grab you?
Are you're gonna be here, aye?
Right. If she gets back, right, tell her to fuckin' wait here till I get back.
If she wanders off, knock her oot. And slap her gob for me, right?
- Yeah, I'll tie her up. - Aye.
- You're gonna be here, aye? - Yeah.
Oh, listen, what's her name again?
Maggie.
- Oh, yeah. - Will back in a minute, right?
Excuse me, love.
Hallo?!
Are you Maggie ?
Piss off!
- Oh, you're Maggie ? - Wha' ?
- Is your name Maggie ? - How d'ye ken that?
It's just a hunch. Are you looking for the petulant dwarf?
Sprechen Sie Deutsch ?
Archie !
Yeah, that's the fella. I was told to wait 'ere for you.
You, Maggie, 'e's, Archie, I'm nobody - 'e's gone off looking for you, love.
What, you've seen 'um?
Look, would you come and sit over 'ere, now?
Fuck off, you dirty cunt!
Yeah, well, I know I've not 'ad bath for a good few seasons,
but there's no need to 'urt my feelin's.
'E'll be back in a minute!
What, he's been here?
He's been here. He's been there. He's been all over the fuckin' shop.
And did 'e 'ave the chips wi' 'um?
He had a huge one on 'is shoulder.
Fuckin' wee radge!
Oh, come now, there's no need to knock the young lad,
He's a wonderful exponent of the old Socratic debate.
Listen love, I've got this great idea.
Why don't you 'ave a little wander round, see if you can find the wee lad, an' I wait 'ere.
An' if 'e turns up, I'll keep 'im 'ere until you get back
I'm fuckin' starvin'.
D'you wanna get somethin' to eat?
He's got all money, hasn't 'e?
- Who? Laughing Boy? - Aye.
Well, I've got a few bob on me.
And what if he comes back when noone's here?
We'll leave 'em a note
He'll no be able to read it.
Well, we'll get 'im on his bleeper - come on
Can you feel all those vibrations?
Wha'?
Just stand still a minute, love. Try and feel it through your feet.
D'you not get all those tremblin's and rumblin's comin' up through your bones?
Not really, no.
D'you not get like a sense of, like, a whole other world underneath all this?
You know like the guts of London?
What with all the tube trains and everything, the city's viscera and the subterranean fuckin'
fistulas and conduits and colons and bunkers
and dungeons and tombs an' all that?
What about Hell? And the sewers, like?
- You know that wherever you are in London, you're only 30 feet away from a rat? - Aye?
- Does that freak you out? - Nah.
- D'you believe in hell? - Aye.
- So, d'you believe in the devil? - Aye.
What d'you think 'e looks like?
Looks like that, doesn' 'e?
What, a little nudist homunculus with a pink quiff?
No, 'e looks like a snake
Let's 'ave a look at that
It's Archie, isn't it?
It's my good-luck charm
'As he brought you much?
Has it fuck.
- Are you superstituous? - No
What d'you wear a good-luck charm for, then?
Are we gonna get something to eat or what?
Have you ever seen a dead body?
Only me own.
Where was you thinkin' to sleepin' tonight?
Dunno.
Where did you kip down last night?
In the park.
- Was that not cold? - Aye.
Where are you thinkin' of sleepin', like?
Wherever I drop.
'Ow old are you, love?
Twenty-three
- Do your mam and dad know you're down 'ere? - No.
- Will they not be worried about you? - No
How old are you, like?
'Ow old d'you think I am?
About forty.
I'm twenty-seven.
Oh, get to fuck!
Where the fuck 'a you been?
I've been waitin' on yer!
- Fuck off! - Cunt!
Why the fuck you've been doin', eh?
You've got all the money.
I've been fuckin'g lookin' all over for yer.
Aye, well, I was wi' him!
- Were you fuck! - I fuckin' was!
- I was fuckin' wi' him! - I was fuckin' wi' him!
Daft cunt!
- Fuckin' ask him! - Fuck off!
Fuckin' ask him!
- Fuckin' daft bitch! - Where's my chips?
That was fuckin' years ago.
Aye, well, I was starvin' wasn't I?
- I'll fuckin' gi' yer fuckin' chips! - Fuck off!
- Fuckin' leave us alone!
- Kick your fuckin' cunt
Did he 'urt you?
What d'you mean?
You know, when you were fuckin'?
Why? Did he 'urt you?
D'you thing you were made for each other?
Well, we went out for a year.
A year?! Fuckin''ell - gimme a year!
D'you ever feel like topping yourself?
Oh, God! I wish I was at 'ome
Glad I'm not.
Yeah, well, I don't mean with me mum and dad. I just mean in Manchester.
Oh, you reckon it's different there, do you?
- Yeah - people talk to you. - Well, I'm talkin' to you.
Yeah, but you talk a pile of shit.
Don't matter where are you, anyway.
You might as well be in Zimbabwe with Sandra.
Are you gonna do any washin' up before she gets back?
Yeah, course I am. When is she gettin' back?
Sunday.
Well, that's four fuckin' days away, innit?
"Thou shalt not consent unto Him, nor harken unto Him."
"Neither shall thine eye pity Him, neither shalt thou spare",
"neither shalt thou conceal 'Im. But thou shalt surely kill 'Im. Thy ha..."
Lost me place now.
"And thou shalt stone 'Im with stones, that He die
because He hath sought to thrust thee away from the Lord thy God. And -"
Oh, fuckin' 'ell! Why 'ast though forsaken me? Bastard!"
Is that it now, then? Are you through with the regulation pacin'?
You're all set to deploy the fatuous sarcasm?
Well, I've beaten you to it.
Would you like a mint?
Oh, what's this, new policy? Ply the culprit with menthol?
Extra strong.
I get four packets of these a night
You want be careful, don't yer? I don't want your poxy mint.
Oh? Waste not, want not.
And other cliches.
Ah - but a cliche is full of truth, otherwise it wouldn't be a cliche.
Which is in itself a cliche.
Tell me, have you
read the book of Hosea?
What now?
"For they are the children of whores".
There's no need to get personal, mate.
Look, will you stop fucking about?
If you're gonna stick the boot in, will you get on with it?
Have you got nowhere to go, then?
Yeah, I've got an infinite number of fuckin' places to go.
The problem is, where you stay.
Are you with me?
Indeed. Yes.
So listen, is there much security
in this job?
Too much.
And what is it what goes on in this particular postmodernist gas chamber?
Nothing. It's empty.
So what is it that you're guardin'?
Space.
You're guarding space?
That's stupid, innit? Because someone could break in there, right, and steal all the fuckin' space,
and you wouldn't know it 'ad gone, would you?
Good point.
Night-night.
Yeah, all right, pal. I appreciate you've got a job to do, an' it's "Move on! Move on! Move on!"
But it's fuckin' freezin' out there, an' I was a Caesarian.
Come on, quick!
- What? - Come in.
Are you serious?
Through that door... smartish.
It's a funny smell in 'ere.
Come on.
A bit of waste of space, all this, in't it?
You could sleep a thousand flea-bitten tramps in 'ere.
And what's all that?
You know, they say it's a fuckin' jungle out there? 'Ave you seen it in 'ere?
I mean, where's the bloody monkeys?
Look, Dad, will you just back off?! What is it you're after?
- You must be invisible. - What?
I must be seen.
Follow me.
Sit here.
Am I allowed to smoke in here?
No. You'll set off the alarm.
Now, I'm not gonna look at you.
It mustn't look like I'm talking to anybody.
If you're seen in here, I'm out of a job.
See what I mean?
Well, if they see you talking to yourself like that, you'll be out of a job anyway.
They'll come after you with a big butterfly net.
Oh, yes.. I'll stand like this, then.
Well, that's better, isn't it?
What?
In out of the cold?
Yeah. Yeah - thanks very much.
It's funny bein' inside, in't it?
'Cos when you are inside, you're still actually outside, aren't you?
And then you can say when you're outside, you're inside,
because you're always inside your head.
D'you follow that?
Yes. Sometimes when I'm sitting here, I turn the lights off -
sit in the dark.
That always makes me feel like I'm sitting
outside.
So what d'you do with you self here of a night-time?
I read. And I think.
What do you think about?
I think about my life.
- And is that horrendous for you? - No! Certainly not!
Is it horrendous for your wife?
Are you married, mate?
Well, technically I'm married.
Although my wife is 5,919 miles away,
and I haven't seen her for thirteen years.
It's all going very well then. Where is she?
She's in Bangkok.
Saucy!
- They're not worth it, are they? - Whores and harlots.
When was the last time you 'ad a fuck?
Is that an embarassin' question for you?
It is rather - yes.
I'm sorry.
Step this way.
I want to reveal to you the mysteries of my trade.
What d'you think that is?
A Dadaist nun?
Wrong. This little lady is the representative of my employer.
How d'you do, love?
Watch.
Very Zen.
My existence at this moment on this spot is now trapped and recorded.
23 moments, 23 sites, every two hours.
That's my job.
Well, could they not train a tall chimpanzee to do that?
Or, a small chimpanzee with a bigger gizmo?
I suppose they could, yes.
What's your name, son?
- Brian. - Hallo Brian - Johnny.
Well, Brian, congratulations, you've succeeded in convincin' me
that you do 'ave the most tedious fuckin' job in England.
Come on.
- Yes! It is a boring job! Bloody boring, actually. - All right! All right!
But all you can see is the tip of the iceberg.
The present. The tedious here and now.
What you're not capable of seeing is the rest of time - the rest of the iceberg.
The past and the future.
My future. Which is a very interesting place to be.
And the good thing about this job is that it gives me time and space
to contemplate the future at my leisure.
Whilst the city sleeps.
Free from cacophonous curiosity of the hoi polloi.
So you see, it's not a boring job.
And I'm not boring, either.
Am I allowed to smoke on the stairs?
No. There's alarms all over the building.
So you think you can make the present palatable by projectin' into the future?
You're living in the past, pal. It's the future that fucks you up, Brian.
It's the maggot in the apple.
See, you're all pissed off with the present, Bri, and there's nothing wrong with the present.
The present's fine. The present's perfect.
The present's peachy-fuckin'-creamy.
The only thing wrong with the present is the bastard doesn't exist,
Because the present is the future, and the future is the past.
And it's all the same fuckin' bag of bones anyway.
It's a constant process of comin' into bein' and passin' away, comin' into bein' and passin' away.
The future is now.
But the present does exist. We're in it, now.
You were just then when you said it, but you're not in it now, you're not in it now, you're not in it now. You're forever being kicked up
the arse by the future. Are you with me?
That's what I mean. See, I'm in the present.
But I'm not in the present. I'm in the future.
Exactly.
Has nobody not told you, Brian,
that you've got this kind of gleeful preoccupation with the future?
I wouldn't even mind, but you don't even 'ave a fuckin' future.
I don't 'ave a future. Nobody 'as a future. The party's is over.
Take a look around you, man. It's all breaking up.
Are you not familiar with the book of Revelation of St John,
the final book of the Bible, prophesying the Apocalypse?
Yes. As it happens, I'm familiar with all the books of the Bible.
I'm very happy for you
"He forced everyone to receive a mark on his right hand, or on his forehead,
so that no one shall be able to buy or sell,
unless he has the mark, which is the name of the beast.
Or the number of his name; and the number of the beast is six-six-six.
- Six-six-six. I know about it - Great!
I know about Nostradamus. Nostradamus talked about three brothers.
Now, did he mean the Kennedy brothers, or was he talking about three bits of the Soviet Union?
You see, you just can't tell.
Fuck Nostradamus! I'm not talking about Nostradamus
or Mother Shipton or Russell Grant of Mystic fuckin' Meg -
I'm talking about a Holy fuckin' Book!
What can such a specific prophecy mean?
What is the mark?
Well the mark, Brian, is the bar code,
the ubiquitous barcode that you'll find on every bog-roll, on every packet of johnnies,
and every poxy pork pie.
And every fuckin' bar code is divided into two parts by three markers.
And those three markers are always represented by the number six.
Six. Six. Six!
Now what does it say? "No one shall be able to buy,
or sell, without that mark."
And now, what they're plannin' to do in order to eradicate all credit-card fraud,
and in order to precipitate a totally cashless society,
what they're plannin' to do, what they've already tested on the American troops,
they're going to subcutaneously laser-tattoo that mark
on to your right hand or on to your forehead.
They're going to replace plastic with flesh. Fact!
In the same book of Revelation, when the seven seals are broken open on the Day of Judgement,
and the seven angels blow the trumpets, when the third angel blows 'er bugle,
"Wormwood will fall from the sky.
Wormwood will poison a third part of all the waters,
and a third part of all the land, and many, many, many, people will die."
Now, d'you know what the Russian translation for "wormwood" is?
- No - Chernobyl.
Fact!
On August the 18th, 1999,
the planets of our solar system are going to line up into the shape of a cross.
I don't believe in astrology.
I'm not talking about astrology. I'm talking about astromony.
They're going to line up in the fixed signs of Aquarius, Leo, Taurus,
and Scorpio, which just happen to correspond with the four beasts of the Apocalypse,
as mentioned in the Book of Daniel.
Another fuckin' fact! D'you want me to go on?
The end of the world is nigh, Bri. The game is up!
I don't believe that.
Life can't just come to a stop.
All right, I'm not sayin' that life will end, or the world will end,
or the universe will cease to exist.
But Man will cease to exist.
Just like the dinosaurs passed into extinction, the same thing'll happen to us.
We're not fuckin' important. We're just a crap idea!
I'm not gonna cease to exist.
I'm gonna be here in the future.
What is this fuckin' fixation with the future?!
Listen pal, I've got chronic systolic palpitations
and acute fuckin' neuralgia!
What about these toilets - can I smoke in 'ere?
No, you fuckin' can't!
Let me ask you a question.
Have you ever had the sense that you've lived in a time different from this one?
- What you mean like in a past life? - Could be, yeah.
Yeah, well, in my past life I was dead.
Ah, well, you see - I wasn't.
I know I was here in the past, before I was born.
So I know I'm gonna be here in the future after I've died.
I see.
And in this alternative existence,
did you still 'ave the same noxious body odour?
There's no need to be personal. It's what I believe.
Shall I tell you what I believe?
You don't believe anything.
Oh, I do, Brian.
Yeah? What do you believe?
Do you think the amoeba ever dreamed that it would evolve into the frog?
Of course it didn't.
And when that first frog shimmied out of the water and employed it's vocal chords
in order to attract a mate or to retard a predator,
do you think that that frog ever imagined that that incipient croak would evolve into
all the languages of the world,
into all the literature of the world?
'Course it fuckin' didn't.
And just as that froggy could never have possibly conceived of - of Shakespeare,
we can never possibly imagine our destiny.
I know what my destiny is.
Yeah but what you're experiencing, as far as I can gather what with all these manifestations of
regression and precognition
and transmigratory astral fuckin' chatterin's,
is just the equivalent of that first primeval grunt.
Because evolution isn't over.
Man isn't the fuckin' be-all and fuckin' end-all.
Look. If you take the whole of time represented by one year,
we're only in the first few moments of the 1st of January.
There's a long way to go.
Only now we're not going to sprout extra limbs and wings and fins
because evolution itself is evolving.
And whereas you, through some process of extra-sensory recall,
might imagine that you were some -
I dunno, some 17th century little Dutch girl livin' in a windmill in Old Amsterdam,
one day you'll realize that you've had not just one or two
past or future existences,
but that you were, and are, everybody and everything that 'as ever been,
or will ever be.
Hang on a minute. You've just contradicted yourself.
Oh, and 'ow'd you make that out?
Downstairs you were predicting the end of the world.
Now you're talking about the future.
How do you explain that, eh?
Easy.
When it comes, the Apocalypse itself
will be part of the process of that leap of evolution.
Yeah, well, whatever happens, mankind will not cease to exist.
He must. By the very definition of Apocalypse, Mankind must cease to exist,
at least in a material form.
What d'you mean, in a material form?
Well, 'e'll evolve.
What into?
Into something that transcends matter.
Into a species of pure thought. Are you with me?
Yeah. Like a ghost.
No, not like a fuckin' ghost, you big girl's blouse!
Into something that's, like, well beyond our comprehension.
Into a universal consciousness,
Into God. Who is.
By the same principle that time is.
You don't believe in God.
'Course I believe in God.
You see... The thing is, Brian
that God is a hateful God.
Must be, because if God is good,
then why is there evil in the world?
Why is there pain and hate and greed and war?
It doesn't make sense.
But if God is a nasty bastard, then you can say, why is there good in the world?
Why is there love and hope and joy?
Well, let's face it, good exists
in order to be fucked up by evil.
The very existence of good enables evil to flourish.
Therefore, God is bad.
And it doesn't matter how many past or future existences you have,
because they're all going to be riddled with grief and anguish
and sickness and death.
You see Brian, God doesn't love you.
God despises you.
So there's no hope.
Mankind is just a component of the device
by which the devil creates itself.
You with me?
You see, what I'm saying, basically, is you can't make an omelette without crackin' a few eggs,
and humanity is just a cracked egg. And the omelette
stinks.
Yeah.
Oh. And what's through the round window?
'Oo's that?
Good question.
'Ave you seen 'er before?
Oh yeah. She's there every night.
Good-looking young girl, in't she?
She's all right.
Does she ever 'as fellers up there?
No.
'Ave you ever seen 'er, like, you know, totally naked?
Once.
What's she up to, eh?
I mean, what's her game, taunting people in the middle of the night, eh?
She probably gets a kick out of it. Like you get a kick out o' watching 'er.
I'm doing no such thing.
Well, I am.
'Ave your got a 'ard-on?
No, I haven't, as a matter of fact.
You wouldn't tell me if you had, would you?
No, I don't think I would.
- Did you make these youself? - I did, yeah.
I thought so.
Well, listen, I might be back in a couple of minutes.
Be good. If you can't be good, be careful!
And other cliches.
Tatty-bye, Bri.
Charles !
What?!
Mais il est ou alors? Ecoute, je ne sais pas qui vous etes.
What's the fuck's going on? Where the bloody hell's Dorfman,
the bastard costs me 30 grands already!
Quoi?!
Qu'est-ce qui se passe?
Fuck !
Sorry about that.
Oh, I'm sorry, love. That's not you on the top floor, is it?
- Dancin'? - Yeah. Why?
Oh, right. You're a lovely mover.
I'm sorry pet. I'm freaking you out.
Where's Bhapu?
Bhapu?
It's cold.
Listen, I'd better explain myself - you see me brother's working
as an insecurity guard in that fuckin' monstrosity round the back,
and we can see straight into your room.
It's very nice.
Anyway, 'e's got 'is boss comin' round. So 'e's told me to schlep round the streets
for a couple of hours, and I said
I'd come and say 'ello to Isadora Duncan. Keep you company.
I know it's a big cheeky but I'm a cheeky young monkey!
D'you wanna come in?
Is that all right?
How long you been growing that?
About two inches.
It's nice.
You've 'ad a few, an't you, love?
Do you wanna come in?
Thought you'd never ask.
Am I allowed to smoke in 'ere?
Thank Christ for that!
D'you wanna a drink?
I think I better 'ad, don't you? Got a bit of fuckin' catchin' up to do, an't I?
Here's to the monarchy!
- What's funny? - I'm not laughing.
So, do you live 'ere on yer own, yeah?
Is this what you're reading? "Jane Austen" by Emma.
It's my favorite book.
Is it really?
I don't read much, meself.
You're from Ireland?
No.
Why?
What's that, a damp patch?
Oh, I never noticed that before.
'Ow's it goin' inside there?
Baby.
'Ow old are you, love?
It's funny, 'cos from over there you look a lot younger.
I think me big brother's quite taken with you.
'E's up there every night, 'avin' a bit of a wank about yer.
Are you with me?
What's the matter?
Don't do that
What, that?
Or that?
Don't you like that?
You don't 'ave to 'urt me
I'm sorry
Bite me.
Fuckin' bite me!
Come on!
'Oo's this?
I can't, love.
You look like me mother.
D'you think you can recapture your youth by fuckin' it?
You don't want to fuck me - you'll catch something cruel.
Bonjour
What's goin' on? What're you doin' 'ere?
Well, you see. I was over 'ere, like this,
but that didn't work for me, so I thought
I'd try over here, but I don't think there's much future in this one either.
Fuckin' 'ell! Have you got any suggestions?
So what do you do now?
I'm gonna get some breakfast
I could do somethin' to eat Can I come with yer?
Well, have you got any money?
No
How you're gonna pay for it?
I'm not
Well, I'm hungry
Did you have to go and beat her up?
I never beat 'er up
You shagged her, though?
No
You don't believe me, do you?
She's older than you
Bollocks
Poached egg.
That skirt's a bit short, innit, love?. 'T's disgraceful
What's this?
That's where I'm gonna live
Where is it?
Ireland
I've lived in a cottage before
What, in one of your past lives?
Yes, as a matter of fact
Fuckin' shit-hole, innit?
Don't waste your life
What?
Don't waste your life
What time does this place close?
Four o'clock
Listen, can you tell where I can get somethin' to eat round here?
What?
- You've got a very nice smile - 'Ave I?
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, sir
I'll take that, sir.
Your lady companion's joinin' you, sir?
No, - she can't make it today, pal, the old sciatica's
playin' up an' everything, you know?
Come on
What?
Out the car
But I've only just got in the car.
Get out of the fuckin' car!!!
All right Parker, keep your 'air on.
Well, that was lovely.
Thank you
Keep in touch
Ooh, fuck
'Oo are you?
Sebastian Hawks.
Nice to meet you
Yeah, er, what're you doin' 'ere?
I'm an acquaintance of Sandra's
I've just popped round to say hallo
Well, Sandra's away at the moment, actually
Really? I hope you don't mind,
but I helped myself to a beer
Yeah, I noticed. Is that your champagne an' all?
You like champagne, do you?
Yeah. I do, as it 'appens.
This is a very nice flat, don't you think?
'Ow'd you get in 'ere?
Tell me, d'you have any problems with the central heating?
Oh, are you the plumber?
Let's just say I've got a vested interest in the property
Fuckin' 'ell, you're the landlord.
I'd rather you thought of me as a friend
Oh shit!
What, is Sandra behind on the rent or somethin'?
Was your tattoo painful?
Yeah
Good
You're very beautiful, aren't you?
Am I?
In a quirky sort of way.
Are you a nurse?
Yeah. Psychiatric.
These are a very fetching pair of tights
Ah, you like them, do yer, Mr Landlord?
Can we 'ave that champagne now, please?
Did you buy them
like this or are the holes self-inflicted?
No. A spider spun them, and that's where he 'ad a tea-break.
Fuckin' 'ell! That's a bit excessive, innit?
I rather like this belt too
Oh, God! 'Ere we go.
Excuse me, where d'you think you're going?
I'm goin' home
What, are you leavin' me?
I've come all this way to see you and you're goin'! I can't believe it,
I'm stunned, I'm flabbergasted.
Shall we get you a tissue?
Sounds promisin'. Do you live nearby?
I might do.
I mean, is it within walking distance?
No, 'cause you see, I've got this fascination with all things peripatetic.
See you!
I'm cheeky, aren't I?
Have you stolen the teacosy? Love, people can see you wearin' that thing,
are you not embarassed? No?
Don't give up
Put this on!
Oh, what? We're gonna play doctors and nurses now, are we?
Hurry up!
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Listen, I'm really sorry, right?
But I've had a bit of a rough week,
and I just don't think I can go through with this
Oh, no! No!
Fuck off! leave me alove! No!
You fuckin' bastard!!
D'you want some beans?
Yeah, cheers.
So, what would you be doin' now if I wasn't 'ere?
Dunno
Having a shower, relaxin'
I could do with a shower myself
I haven't washed for about a week
As you've probably noticed
Well, you can 'ave one if you like
Are you sure?
Yeah. Bathroom's just here
Fuckin' 'ell
What did I do to deserve you, love?
Just press this button
Now listen
You're not going to creep up on me with a big knife dressed up as your mother, are you?
No.
Although it looks like you already are dressed up as your mother
Can I have me bag?
It's got me duck in it.
Ta
Oh dear
'Oo lives 'ere, then? Zeus?
Is all this stuff yours?
No.
All these pseudo-Doric midgets
with their novelty underpants
Oh, look at this one, touchin' time with a bargepole
I wouldn't
Is 'e a home-owner-sexual, yeah?
What do you think?
Where is 'e?
They're in America
They?
Yeah.
When are they gettin' back?
Dunno
And they're just letting you stop 'ere, for nothin, yeah?
Yeah. I don't know them
I don't know, I find this all a bit sad
Why?
No, I don't mean that to sound homophobic
I mean, I like The Iliad
and The Odyssey. D'you get that?
No
So, 'ave you read many of these books?
No, I haven't.
Oh, I've read quite a few
Oh, look!
D'you get it now?
D'you know this?
I bet you do. You've most likely done it at school
You just can't remember
You know, like, Achilles' heel
the Wooden Horse, Helen of Troy. You know them?
Yeah.
yeah, well, that's all it is.
Good stuff. Cyclops.
Oh, hallo,
it's Pizza Deliveryman
D'you want those beans?
Oh, yeah, I forgot
Sebastian Hawks. Good evening.
Very nice to meet you, Louise.
Oh, very nice to meet you
I've heard a lot about you
Sophie?
Yeah? Yeah, I'm in 'ere
- Oh, are you all right? - I've never been better
We've had a very interesting afternoon, haven't we, Sophie?
It's been fascinatin'!
For services rendered
Fuck off!
'Oo's your friend?
'E's the landlord, in''e?
'Oose landlord?
Our fuckin' landlord
- Oh, get out o'town! - Ask 'im
What you wearin' Sandra's uniform for?
I don't want to talk about it, all right?
Well, d'you wanna cup o'tea?
Yeah
So,'ave you been sittin' on 'is face all afternoon?
I don't need this
Jesus Christ, I get 'ome from work,
all I want to do is to put me feet up and watch the telly,
not get involved in one of your orgies. D'you know what I mean?
What 'appened to your arm?
Sophie, what's been goin' on?
Have you put the kettle on?
Yeah
Any chance of a coffee, Louise?
Yeah, sure
These are a very nice pair of shorts
Would you take your 'ands off me, please?
I apologise
Right, pal. 'Ere's your clothes, get your kit on and sling yer 'ook.
'Ere's your shoes, mate
Hope I haven't given you AIDS, Sophie.
- Jesus Christ - Fuckin' 'ell!! Are you serious?
Merely jesting.
Very funny.
Mind you, I think AIDS is rather healthy in its way.
You what?
I realize that's not the fashionable thing to say, of course.
No. It's not.
But the world is overcrowded, isn't it? It could do with a bit of pruning.
Fuckin' better be jokin'.
You're not going to have children, are you, Louise?
I might do, one day.
I loathe children, I must say
I bet they're not too keen on you, neither
- I'm sure you like fucking, don't you, Louise? - Are you goin'?
I'm rather enjoying myself, actually
- Well, we're not - That's a pity
Look, you may be the landlord from hell, but that doesn't give you the right to lie on our couch
Whose couch?
D'you want me to phone the police?
Be my guest
Right
- Listen, I can't 'ave them in 'ere? - Why not?
They gonna take one look at 'im in 'is suit and one look at us
and 'oo d'you think they're gonna believe?
There's fuckin' dope all over the place
Well, we're just windin' him up - 'e's loving this.
What are we gonna do?
It's very peaceful in 'ere, isn't it?
I suppose so
Are you warm enough?
Yeah, this is nice - thanks
It's funny, 'cos the silence usually freaks me out
You start to pick up on all the small sounds,
you know what I mean? Like that clock
I hate that fuckin' clock
Of course you do - it's a clock
Is it all right if I stay here
tonight?
'Ve you ever 'ad
a dog?
No.
I don't like dogs
Why?
Well, they're either vicious or daft
- Why, 'ave you? - Yeah
Is it dead now?
Yeah.
Did you bury it?
I dunno, me dad took it
And what about you? Would you like to be buried or cremated?
I couldn't give a shit
I 'ad this dream the other night, about these two skeletons 'aving a fuck.
It was a right bloody racket - woke me up.
'Ave you got a photo of your mum?
What, on me?
Yeah
No
But I think you might find one over at the newsagent's, on the top shelf
D'you want some beans?
You've got a very sad face
'Ave I?
It's all right, I mean,
I find that attractive
But that's me
So, 'ave you got a boyfriend or anythin'?
What are gonna do for Christmas?
I don't know. What're you gonna do?
You all right?
What's the matter?
Fuck off!
What's up love?
Was it something I said?
I want you to go
Why?
Can you go, please?!
Is it 'cos I don't like dogs?
Get out!!
I don't quite follow, love
Just fuck off!!
Oh, I see
Well, perhaps I was jumpin' to conclusions, but I got the impression I could kip down on the sofa or somethin'
- Go! - Go where?
'Ave you got any suggestions? 'Cos it's like
a fuckin' Eskimo's grave out there.
All right, I'm going
It's not easy, is it?
D'you find that?
Well, just goes to show you
that no matter how many books you read,
there's some things in this world that you never, ever, ever, ever,
ever fuckin' understand.
Thank you for the tea, and the bath,
and the booze.
And the beans.
And listen love,
I hope that when you're tucked up tonight
all snug and warm underneath your tear-sodden fuckin' duvet
and your ankle-length Emily Bronte windin'-sheet
that you spare a thought for me, with my head in a puddle of cold dog's piss,
An' I hope that you dream about me.
An' I hope that you wake up screaming.
And I hope that all your fuckin' children
are born blind, bow-legged, hare-lipped, homeless hunchbacks!!
'Ave you ever 'ad an abortion?
'Ave you?
No. I thought I was pregnant once.
Would you 'ave 'ad one?
Will, In the end, it turned out I wasn't, and 'e left me anyway, so...
I wanted to keep mine
What happened?
All my mates said I couldn't look after a baby
Too fuckin' right.
Did it make you feel shitty?
It was a nightmare.
I really loved 'im
'E was a philosopher
Where was this?
Paris.
You should've seen the state of 'is girlfriend
'Ad one when I was fifteen, an' all.
Oh, Jesus, Sophie!
I think that one was worse for my mum,
fuckin' drama she made out of it
I could've been married by now, with a four-year-old
D'you want to get married?
Don't know
Just 'cos you 'ave a kid with someone doesn't mean they're gonna stick around.
My dad didn't. 'E couldn't fuckin' wait to get out.
Well, don't know if I want to get married,
but I wouldn't say no to a proper relationship
What is a proper relationship?
Livin' with someone 'oo talks to you after they've bonked you.
I don't know what they want from you 'alf the time.
What they start off liking you for
they end up hatin' you for.
Don't like you if you're strong, don't like you if you're weak;
hate you if you're clever, hate you if you're stupid.
They don't know what they want.
D'you think that bastard's fucked off yet?
Yeah, he musta done by now.
Is this a stick-up?
- Sorry - you must get that all the time, yeah? - Yeah
Just got it again.
So is this your job, or a nice little hobby you've got for yourself?
You're a lovely mover!
- This your van, yeah? - Yeah
It's like, er, I dunno, top o' the range.
Very nice
Are you goin' up the road?
D'you wanna lift?
Is that all right with you?
Cheers
It's just, I've been walkin' round the streets all night, you know what I mean?
These fuckin' feet are on their last legs, I'm telling you.
So, 'ow much d'you earn for doin' this?
It's none of your fuckin' business
I mean, is the pay as substantial as say, the wages of sin?
You know what I mean? Are you with me?
Listen, Captain, is it all right if I 'ave a go at doin' this, yeah?
Oh! God love you!
I mean, or does it take like thousands of years of like
state-subsidized government training to do this clobber, yeah?
You've gotta slap on like copious quantities
of the old industrial sputum there.
Beg your puddin'
It's a wonderful career opportunity for me -
you know what I mean? I'm not gonna play the joker on this one.
- Shift - It's all goin' very well
Shift out the fuckin' way, will you?
No, I like Laurel and Hardy, you know, although apparently they didn't get on in real life,
You know, another illusion shattered.
Sorry about that pal, it's just I've 'ad a lot of bad experience with walls,
you know, what with talking to them and climbing them,
and me dad's driven me up a good few of them in 'is time, you know what I mean?
But I think I've got the secret. The saucy little secret,
this solipsistic, sagacious little secret is just, you got - you just gotta
bang your fuckin' head against them!
Just crack the old pate.
Are you with me?! 'Ave you got it?
And that's it, that's the key to enlightenment, which is, it's like that's why,
it's like such a potent motif of civilization - it's the wall.
It's like the, the Great Wall of China, and the Wall of Jericho
and the Berlin Wall, and the Wailin' Wall
Now you see the Jews, they've almost got it, an't they?
What with the old rockin' and that, and you know, just that six inches away
and they'd be there, they'd have won the fuckin' race, they'll be there, you with me?
What is all this, anyway? What are you doin'? Cancel everythin'.
In the beginnin' there was the Word, and the word was 'cancelled'
D'you get like satisfaction out of this? D'you think you're makin' a contribution?
You're like sort of publicly promulgatin' vacuities? Are you with me?
Fuckin' hell!!
Oh, that's it! Blank it all out! Blank it all out
till you just atrophy and die of fuckin' indifference.
Can I show you somethin', pal? You see that at the top of your legs?
That's your arse and that's your fuckin' elbow! Do you want to write it down or s-
'Oo's that supposed to be, me dad?
You wanna watch that, mate - I've got a dicky sacrum 'ere
Shit!
Can you come back here? Did I upset you?
You've got me bag! You fuckin' tosser!!
You f-
Fuck!!
Oh, listen!! Does anybody mind if I scream 'ere?
Is that OK with you all? 'Cos I'd feel better
for it - won't take long!
Fuck
'Os's that?
Oh Jesus!
What's been happenin' to you?
Will you shut up, for God's sake?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Just give us a fag
Fuckin' comedian
- It's not my fault - What's not your fault?
Where are you goin'?
I just want to go to bed
Be quiet!
I fuckin' walked 'ere
Where from?
Johnny.
I'm gonna be sick
Fuckin' 'ell, what's 'appened to 'im?
I dunno
Johnny, are you all right, Johnny?
Get off!
Is 'e still 'ere?
I dunno
Right, we'd better get him into bed
You take that end, I'll take this end
OK, don't push me, right?
I'm not pushin' you!
Careful, that's 'is bad leg
Well, what d'you want me to do?
After three
One, two, three
I wanna go!
I know
I know, you told me
I'm not here yet. I'm still wet
What did she mean?
Why not me brother?
Will it be quiet now?
Are we goin'?
Fuck!
Who's this?
It's all right, 'e's a friend of mine
What extraordinary friends you have. He's only got one sock on.
Shut up!
You seem a bit tense, Sophie. Would you like a massage?
Are you the doctor?
Pardon?
Is he the doctor?
You're rather disgusting, aren't you?
You're not crying, are you, Louise?
Oh, listen, when are you gonna fuck off?
This 'as got nothin' to do with you, right?
No! No!
Leave me alone!
Fuckin' 'ell, me leg!
You don't know
Aren't people pathetic?
Right. I'm going to beddy-byes.
If anyone wishes to join me, I'll be under the duvet
Are you all right?
Yeah. Are you?
Yeah.
Come on, I'll give you a hand.
I'm all right, I walked 'ere.
Is it 'ere?
Yeah.
'Oo's that?
Clancy.
I thought so.
I used to know you, didn't I?
Yeah.
"Take me back to Manchester
when it's raining.
I want to wet me feet in Albert Square.
I'm all agog For a good, thick fog.
I don't like the sun,
I like it raining cats and dogs!
I want to smell the odours of the Irwell.
I want to feel the soot get in me 'air,
Oh, I don't want to roam.
I want to get back 'ome
to rainy Manchester"
I've got an 'ard-on.
What's...?
What are you...?
This is...It's disgusting!
Nobody, in my....
Who's 'e?
You've got your boots on! She's...
And what's this doing?
This is something I can't... I don't....
It's not...I just don't need all this...palaver.
Oh, shit!
Ok, who's Jeremy ?
- Who's Jeremy ? - What you mean?
Sandra! What a nice surprise!
What are you doing here?
How was Zimbabwe?
Shift!
Morning, Louise.
- Where's Jeremy ? - 'Oo's Jeremy ?
These are Jeremy's
That's Sebastian's.
No, look. Jeremy Smart. Jeremy Smart. Jeremy G. Smart.
Well, I've never 'eard of him.
Sebastian. Who - Are you Jeremy G. Smart ?
Are you?
Johnny! Johnny, wake up
Just leave 'im
Oh, for fuck's sake, Sophie, Sandra's back.
- What day is it? - It's Friday
Fuck this
Look at 'is eye
Christ
Well, he can lie down in my room - oh, God!
What're you doin'? 'E's not 'arming anyone
'Ave you seen the state of 'er?
- Johnny! - I'm here, Johnny
Morning, everyone
I would, actually, like to have some kind of
explanation for all this, because...
- Having fun? - Can you put these on, please?
Sophie and I had a fuck on your bed yesterday afternoon, Sandra.
- She was very good, I must say - You are just...filth! - Not as good as you, though
You lying...nastiness!
We must do it again sometime
Will you...?
How can you...?
Everything!
I can't cope with this
You've got five minutes
Five minutes to get your things on and get the hell...
I shouldn't worry about things so much, if I were you
I'd forgotten what a beautiful bottom you've got, Sandra
Two minutes
Marvellous tits!
Listen, Sandra, I'm really sorry. We weren't expectin' you back.
I fail to...why...
It's a pigsty ... it's...
I know - it just got out of hand
Obviously. And what's all that?
'E's a friend of mine - Look, can I make you a cup o'tea?
I don't want tea... I don't want...
I just want... My journey was...
He's not very well!
What's the matter with 'im?
'E's got a lump on his face the size of a boiled egg an' 'he won't wake up
Did he do this?
- 'Oo ? - Sebastian - Jeremy?
You never warned me about 'im, did you?
What are you talking about?
Fuckin' lettin' 'imself in with the keys! Bastard!
I don't...
Right. Let's get
this shoe off.
Have you ever had smoked salmon after making love, Louise?
Don't like smoked salmon
I think you should try it. It's rather wonderful.
Will you undo your flies, Sebastian?
Would you like me to?
Honest.
Or d'you not want me to slice your prick off and shove it up your arse?
Maggot dick!
Could you pass me that pillow, please?
- I can't move, Sandra - Here you go
You are worse than useless
Ooh, are y'all right? You don't think it's broken, do you?
No, 'e can move it.
You can do that, can't you?
Why would I want to do that?
Don't even... Not in my room, Sophie.
I need a fag
I don't care. Cop hold o'that.
Just don't start, right?
It really is beyond me the way you girls choose to live your lives
My mind just boggles
'E's gone back to sleep
Was that the front door?
'E's gone
Thank God
Go slowly, Johnny.
Now what you two must do is take this one to Casualty
and make sure he gets himself looked at, 'fore he goes home.
I'm gonna be sick.
- Are you? - Get him into the bathroom!
All right! Let's not...
Just a minute...
That's it.
- Take it steady. - Here y'are
It's in me tash.
You wanna gerrit cut.
It's in your mouth
'Ave you 'ad a bath lately?
Yeah, I 'ad one yesterday
- As if! - I did!
Where've you been, Johnny?
Down the Via Dolorosa.
Don't be nosy
- Are you not goin' to work? - I'm late
Oh, you'll get the sack
Yeah.
It's all right - you can put all your troubles in it.
'Ey, I lost me bag.
Yeah, I noticed. Where is it?
I don't know. It's lost.
Any valuables?
Yeah, it's got me collection of famous retired glove-puppets in there.
That's it - all gone.
Did you get it nicked?
Would you put that out?
I 'an't cleaned me teeth yet
Could you not just put 'em in a glass or something, no?
I remember when you bought these shorts. I warned you
about 'em then.
Yeah, well,
I only got them to piss you off
Mission accomplished.
Is he all right?
Yeah
What is this, a spectator sport or something?
The hundred-metre vomit.
Sophie, d'you mind if I 'ave a word
with Johnny on me own?
D'you want a word with Louise on your own?
Are you bein' sarcastic?
No
Well, do as you're told.
Right...
Whose is all this money?
Three hundred and eighty pounds,
it's really oughtn't to be left laying waiting for ...
Whose is all that?
Dunno
Who's been playing ping-pong with your face?
The sky fell in on me. A cloud caught me across the cheek.
So, why did you come to London?
I come to run in the Marathon
Will you give me a straight answer, please?
Well, I 'ad to get out of Manchester
'cos I was gonna get a beatin'
And I come down 'ere, and I get a beatin'
Were you asking for it?
No.
I wasn't. They just came out of nowhere.
Honest?
Yeah.
So what are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Dunno. Might go 'ome for the weekend.
Well, there's no place like it.
Might not come back.
Are you goin' back?
Is that nice?
Yeah.
I'm puttin' the fun back in 'fundament'.
Are yer?
Well, I'll 'ave to go back sometime, won't I?
And what about us?
What about us?
Do you hate me?
Fuck off!
My mam was seven years younger than you when she had me.
- Don't. - What?
Just...
Well, she was!
I'm full o' shit, aren't I?
Sometimes
Yeah, well, it's all right, I've had it all kicked out of me now
Oh? Good
What if God just put us 'ere for his own entertainment?
That's all we are. Just somethin' for 'im to 'ave
a bit of a laugh at. Could be, couln'n't it?
If you think about it.
Give us your right 'and.
Other way up.
What's that?
That's funny to me
You're daft, you
It's toilet humor
Will you give me a cuddle,
Johnny?
Yeah.
If no one tells me what's going on, then how am I supposed -
I don't understand, Johnny!
- 'Ow was Zambia? - It was Zimbabwe!
I went to Zimbabwe with my wanker boyfriend, my ex...
What did I do wrong?
Did you see any big animals?
Yes! We saw elephants and rhinos and zebras
and lions and vultures...
Did you see any monkeys?
We saw many monkeys.
And were they cheeky? Oh, it is not good for me, is it, all this, in my condition?
Well, yes, no, yes...
It's not good for me. It's not good for you. It's not good for any of us, it's utterly...
Oh, excuse me for living!
Is, is this it, Johnny?
- Is it? - Is what it?
Oh, I can't bear it!
Right! I'm off!
Off your trolley.
Oh, don't fuckin' take a piss out of me you bastard!!
You don't know!
All I want...
Nobody has any...
Can you just please try...
I've 'ad enough.
This is a nightmare!
Sophie, if you just try and pull yourself together
- Where are you going? - I don't know
Why don't you come in and have a lie-down?
I don't care!
Sophie!
- Here's the key - Well, I don't wan' 'em!
Well I don't fuckin' want them!
I'm not a social worker!
Look, Sophie. Don't be fuckin' stupid!
What's the point, Louise?
Sophie!
I'm sorry
Johnny
You all right?
I'm goin'
Where?
Work. To 'and my notice in.
Then I'm comin' back 'ere, I'm packing me bags,
and I'm goin' 'ome. D'you wanna come?
- Today? - Yeah.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
- 'Ow? - Bus.
- Well, 'ave you got enough dough? - Yeah.
- 'Cos I've not got nothin' - I know.
D'you think you can make it?
Don't know.
Well, if you dpn't, we can stay 'ere until tomorrow.
See you later.
Can you leave us a few fags for cancer research?
Here are your...
I was actually hoping that the air could...
What are we gonna do about all this...
I dunno, Sandra. Look, I'll see you in a couple of hours.
Fine.
You will come back?
Yeah, of course I will
Because I need...
You'll be all right, won't you?
Will I be all right, love?
I'm going to get the bath cleaned.
You all know what it does to you
and yet you still insist on doing it, so... do it.
Smoke yourself to...
Well, birds do it, bees do it.
..high heaven.
Can you tell me something, love?
Is it true that some babies are born covered in fur?
Up.
Thank you.
And you know at birth when they cut the umbilical cord?
What would happen if, well, if it was never cut?
I don't need this. I just...
Well it would be embarrassin', wouldn't it?
Specially at my age.
Why do you feel the need to take the piss?
I'm not takin' a piss. It's nice, that -
Where it is from?
I don't know, it's something my dad...
Now you see,
Sophie just turned that to the wall, she's got
this kind of an irritating proclivity for negation -
I suppose she thinks it's progressive, or somethin'.
What is your problem?
Nothing. What is your problem?
All these silly questions and...
Well, look, I've never met a nurse before, and
I'm just interested in, well, in life.
I mean, d'you think it's worth savin'?
Of course I do. But there is a time and a place,
and actually this isn't the time or...
The place?
No. And this
is where I...
Live?
Yes,
- and I'm not feeling very... - Sexy?
Comfortable, actually. I'm not feeling very comfortable.
Well make yourself comfortable, love. Or slip into something more...
comfortable
My bath!
Hot toast... hot milk.. hot-water bottle
bed, sleep.
D'you like me?
I don't know you, so...
D'you find me attractive?
Well, listen, love, it's like this - I find you attractive. Very attractive.
Enough. I've had enough.
It comes at me from all angles.
You... all of you just...
it's the tin lid...
When... how will the world ever...
End.
Yes!