Part Two
Short Chatlo-patsak dictionary.
Ktse - matches Tsak - Little bell for the nose.
Etsikh - Box for prisoners. Etsilop - Member of the Council.
Pepelats - Interplanetary ship. Gravitsapa - Component of Pepelats motor
Kyoo - Oath permissible in company. Koo - All other words.
Hi!
Hello.
Long time no see!
Bye!
Oi! Hang on a sec!
I've got a proposal!
What?
What do we think of you?
Well? Read out minds.
Why do you stick to us? What do you need?
Do you have no shame?
Do you?
We are poor, unfortunate, hungry artists!
What wrong have we done you?
Why do you tortment us?
Give your bandura here...
Tune up...
Like so.
Come on.
One two three.
Mama, mama, what shall I do?
Mama, mama, How will I live?
I don't have a warm coat,
I don't have a warm vest.
Shut it! You're tone deaf!
Mama, mama, what shall I do?
Mama, mama, How will I live?
Uncle Vova, let's do it again!
They like it...
They understand.
One two...
Etsilop!!!
Artists! And where is our tub?
The pepelats?
Yes.
There...
The fuel is finished.
Because of you, pests.
Skripach! What are you doing? Hooligan!
Listen, leave me in peace, okay?
My friend,
it's somebody's last breath,
a grave...
Mate!
You said you were 'second class'.
He's a braggart!
Cheat!
You won by reading my thoughts.
If you had a brain, you'd be studying in MGIMO,
And not here pissing everybody off.
Want to play again?
For your violin, case and tooth stick...
And this!
Okay?
Okay! From you the bandura, visator...
and the device you base your lives on, Mr Uef.
Agreed.
Let's do it!
Uncle Vova...
You need to screw the tsapa in.
Alright - you do it!
I'm not allowed, I'm a chatlanian.
Sod off!
When it comes to advice, you're all Chatlanians,
When it comes to work, though...
Checkmate.
Cheat!
You purposely thought bad moves for me!
Use your own brain for the game!
How can he use his own brain,
When he's just seen these dolls for the first time?
That's not my problem.
Give me my winnings.
Yeah right!
Uef, did you ever see such a mercenary little patsak?
Never. I told you we don't need Skripach, and here's the result.
Hey!
Boss! ...
You said tsapa!
Is it true nobody sings in cages on the Earth?
Mr Bee, on the Earth we only have animals in cages.
Is an animal a Chatlanian?
I don't know. They act like it...
Is a nightingale a Patsak?
Why a Patsak?
You said it sings without a cage.
Well then he's a Patsak.
Ah! So you see, you have the same open racism as here on Pluke.
Only the Patsaks have taken power, not the Chatlanian,
Just like you and your friend the nightingale!
Let me...
You can have four gulps.
The water's for the youngster.
You owe us 6042 boxes now.
Skripach, make a note.
I already have.
Do you want some?
No
It's free.
Hey!!
What are you doing?
And me? And me? And me? And me?
I'll still give you ten boxes, take some water for yourself...
God, Kin dza dza!
A ship!
It's not a ship. It's a fuel-station.
So we can refuel!
We can't! This one's automatic, but with a woman attendant.
If we perform, she'll give us a discount, understand?
Don't hesitate, Uncle Vova.
Come on, come on, my friend... Come on...
If this was once sea, why are there no sea shells?
On the Earth you still have sea?
We have sea, and rivers,
And honest people, Mr Uef.
Savages. You make me want to cry.
Mama, mama, what shall I do,
Mama, mama, how shall I live,
I don't have a warm coat,
I don't have a warm vest.
It's a pity my boss can't see me now,
He'd probably give me a raise.
Keep quiet, Uncle Vova.
She's watching us.
They took the woman out and installed a machine.
So take enough for the money you have.
At least we'll fly some way!
You can't buy luts in parts.
Luts is ten chatls per load, and we only have seven.
How far from here to the centre?
160 km.
<Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatls,
In the right shoe...>
Oi, Chatlanian!
What?
Can you take your right boot off for us?
Why?
You bastard!
All of you! Squat!
Why? They're not epsilops are they?
It's PJ with his Patsak.
If they find out that you didn't squat,
It's life in prison laying on nails.
Who's he?
You see that?
Yeah, it's a hologram, my friend.
The violin!
Quiet! Stand still!
Silence!
And you say koo.
It's not a balloon, you idiot!
It's the last breath of Mr PJ.
Bollocks.
How could one person breath so much just before he died?
Absurd.
Don't blaspheme. PJ is alive!
And I am happy.
I'm happier still.
Like this.
Come on, get inside.
Plastic.
No.
Is there a normal entrance to this supermarket?
Normal entrance you have to pay chatls for, my friend.
Get on with it!
Go away.
Skripach! Patsaks go there!
What are they doing?
This is the fourth pump of Mr PJ.
I love PJ very much.
I 'koo' him even more!
And here they make water from fuel.
What are they shouting?
Sell.
Sell what?
Sell everything.
So we'll take a gravitsapa!
Gravitsapas are another department.
First we need to find out the Tenture of the Earth.
Yellow Trousers...two times 'koo'.
Think! What's the diameter of you planet's orbit?
I don't remember... Skripach do you know?
No, we don't need Skripach. You!
All right.
The specific gravity of the core of your planet. Think.
Specific gravity? No, I can't remember...
I see.
The names of the planets in your galaxy. Which ones do you know? Think.
There was a crystal display! Where is the crystal display?
Skripach! Put it back in its place!
I thought as it was lying there...
...it was a piece of glass...
Stupid idiot.
Enough. Stop your brains squeeking, fool.
Here's the number of your planet: 013 in the tenture.
On the left of the Great Bear.
Do you want to talk with the Earth? It'll cost you another chatl.
I don't understand?..
Think of your own telephone number!
And ask them about matches.
...Hallo! Hallo! Can you hear me?
Hallo!
Hallo! I'm listening, go ahead!
Hallo!
Hallo! Lucy!
Vova!
Can you hear me? It's me!
Vova, where are you?
Well, I'm here...How are you?
You...
How's Cyril?
Where are you, Vo... Where are you, Vova?
I'm here, in some place,
I'll explain everything later.
How's mum feeling?
Have you been to see her?
I have been... I asked you where you were!
Listen, wife of Patsak! Stop pissing about! Run and buy two boxes of matches!
Or else you'll never be together!
Lucy! Lucy...
Lucy. My darling...
Lucy...Lucy!
Take the phone, right now, and ring Victor Manohin...
...tell him that the keys for the plumbing store are in my portacabin,
under the thingy...under the cupboard. Lying on the floor.
Did you get all that?
Yes, I got it...
Put me through to Batumi, 3-47-57, please.
Tell them to fetch Alec.
No, I won't. Piss off you bloody theif.
Is something wrong?
It's alright, only the Earth is so far way.
Instead of five, the gravitsapa needs seven minutes to warm up.
So let's go and get the tsapa ready for the gravitsapa.
Astronauts! Which is the tsapa here?
This rusty nail, my friend.
Yeah! Everything here's rusty!
And that's the most rusty.
Are you quite crazy?
Oh, mama-mama. Lucy and Manohin moved, and we need...
Uncle Vova!
The match is in his cap!
Strange, that they should fly off now.
Why strange? They've got a match, can buy a gravitsapa,
and know the Tenture of the Earth!
Comrade Etsilop! Comrade Etsilop!
They've stolen our things!
Arrest them!
Forty Chatls.
We've no chatls. Everything is with the tour guide.
And the violin they took is somebody else's.
And when they were in front of the video of PJ,
They didn't say Koo!
Why are you staring at me?
If your bosses find out that you knew of this and did nothing,
You'll be bloody trankluted! Get it?
I didn't do nothing!
I pressed the button straight away!
Skripach is a witness.
All guards!
Bring a wheeled prison tub, here
There's nothing in it.
Open it.
Show me.
It's vinegar.
It's none of your business.
The Patsak will be tranklukated,
The Chatlanian will spend his life in a tub lying on nails.
Oh, brothers, brothers. Fellow Patsaks.
Tell the truth, how I squatted.
How the Chatlanian pressed the take off button.
Shut the fuck up!
Uncle Vova, please...
Shut up! Parasite!
Shut up yourself!
Vova, friend! Gedevan Alexanich!
Don't listen to him!
Tell them that it was him!
He didn't squat!
No...
And I'll give the pepelats to you.
Uncle Vova! The pepelats is mine! Mine!
Quiet! Calm down!
...Let me think.
Nobody insulted anyone...
They all squatted, like monkeys.
I was confused.
And I brought the Ktse.
What Ktse?
The match, which you took out... from the hat.
There wasn't a match. There wasn't.
Uncle Vova, what's the matter with you?
Forgive me, I forgot. There was no match.
Never.
Life imprisonment for both in a tub without nails.
As to the fine.
500 chatls, 250 per place.
Thank you!
Patsak! Glue the violin and sing the song!
Skripach! You work the bandura!
Friends! We were joking about the violin. We were happy to reach you!
Hi!
On the river, on the river, on yonder bank..
Earthman, hello!
I can assure you, we will return to your planet.
Greetings from Vladimir Nikolaevich Mashkov,
builder from Moscow,
and Gedevan Alexidse from Batumi,
who are the first to set foot on these villainous sands
established in this backyard.
Brother Patsak, flip again your cover.
You have some water there.
Well give me something for it.
Maybe sometime I can show you
one of those who knew me and is still living.
Ask him if I stole a match...
There! Looks like new!
There's still a little bit.
It happens...It will be...
High calorie?
Earthmen! How could it be so difficult? I could hardly find you.
I got my memory back.
Here's your sock, thank you.
If you want, I can return you to the Earth.
I found out your number in the tenture.
Only hurry! For one second here is half a year there.
Then I have a suggestion...
We transport to the Earth now,
Procure some matches,
Shoot back here and sell them,
Bail out our friends,
We go to Moscow, and you go home.
I can't. I've only three charges.
Well that's okay.
Enough times to go there back here and home again.
And me?
Listen, friend...
Well work it out, yes or no,
I'll count to three... One... Two...
Wait a minute. Take my suggestion.
It's my fault they are in prison.
And my little son has already grown an adult's beard!
Two and a half!
I..I can't do it.
Three.
Oh! Who needs it all?
Tsak-schmak! It's all crap! And we...
Where did you get that from? Eh?
It was laying on a shelf in the planetarium...
Skripach! You kleptomaniac!
You brought us a gravitsapa!
Patsaks! Patsaks!
Why are you standing performing here?
You have to stand there.
The Etsilops won't allow us.
You can only kneel here.
So what if we're here...
You've still got to pay us.
Alright, come on...
Come on, obey the rules.
Uncle Vova, your jacket is coming, and my hat.
Hi!
How are things?
Anything new happened...on Pluke?
Sing!
We seem to be out of voice today.
Sing!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, I can't do any more...
Don't worry, Skripach.
How much is that?
One hundred.
Seems like we've sung enough.
And what's that there?
Fifty.
Etsilpo!...
Patsaks!
Why aren't you wearing muzzles?
Turn round!
Orders of Mr PJ - all Patsaks to wear muzzles...
and be glad.
So, that's for me and that's for you.
And that's for you.
Why aren't you glad? I demand to know.
Pick up your own gun, Chatlanian.
Put them on, then...
I'm doing it...
I'm glad. Ho ho.
Oh look, PJ's coming!
Where?...
Get up!
Open your mouth!
Wider!
Skripach, gag!
Quickly!
Turn round!
Nose!
Give me the money!
Okay...Make sure they stay there, like so...
And you can get rid of these!
If you think, that this idiot won't tranklucate you,
it'll be the last though in your Chatlanian head!
Use the shortest route... through the atrium...arch!
Everyone lay down for half an hour!
Forwards!
Quickly!
Excuse me Grandma...
Mama PJ
Did you see it?
Yes.
Everyone quickly now...in the pool!
Open the door.
And stay there for 24 hours! Do you Koo or not?
Here...
What number?
The last one.
Hello...
Hey, Chatlanian! Sing!
Finish, Skripach...
Wheel out the last but one.
Vanish!
Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
Bastard!
Get out.
I can't.
They'll catch us.
Stop!
We have a gravitsapa.
Cut it.
Right here.
Throw your weight on it!
Uncle Vova! Help me roll the tub out!
Leave it!
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
Because of one stone from the moon mankind wasted a thousand years,
and here's a living alien, and etsik...
made of an unknown metal.
Leave it, I said!
Tsapa.
We have a tsapa.
Operate the tsapa!
It's working!
So are we flying?
Seems like it.
Brothers! Be quick! They're after us now!
Don't interfere.
She's landed.
Where?
Hanut.
And what's Hanut?
The planet I was born on.
And me.
Night.
It's always night here, now.
Time to put this on.
Why?
There's no bloody air.
So how do you live here?
Nobody's lived here for years.
The Pluke's trankluked it while we were on an expedition.
Why?
Because we didn't have time to do them first.
And why would you want to do them?
So that they weren't hanging over our heads.
And everybody perished?
Of course.
Vovka, I've a suggestion.
The planet Hanut is only worth kopeks now.
63 chatls.
We go and sing 'Mama' around the galaxy for a month,
then the planet is ours.
And another month - we can buy air.
93 chatls.
There will be no air for anybody who comes here...
The air will be ours.
They'll be crawling around, and we'll be spitting on them.
Why?
For fun!
Where's the fun in that?
You're too young to know...
Half the planet's yours, half ours. Okay?
Tempting, of course...
But we need the Earth, guys.
We have to hurry. The supermarket closes in half an hour.
Vovka, you don't ...
Just look.
We're here.
And there's the Earth.
And here's Alpha.
They make cactuses from us on Alpha.
Earth's in the anti-tenture, my friend.
And there's no way that we can reach it, understand?
How's that so?
Just is. All my life I never went.
It's not possible for a pepelats to get to Earth.
Enough of this bollocks!
Is it clear?
Let's divide the planet up.
You found this out in the planetarium?
Yes, my friend.
...therefore you stole a match?
Of course.
They're lying, Uncle Vova.
Don't believe them.
Now, take us to the Earth, that's all!
No, Gedevan, they're not lying.
They'd crawl across the whole universe for these matches...
Vovka! You shouldn't joke like that...
The oxygen here is two percent of normal.
Gedevan... You don't need this.
You're young, you live a long time.
Maybe things will change...
We don't need Skripach, Uncle Vova.
Hey, Patsak!
I don't give a shit what you discard.
Tell the truth for once in your life.
Why didn't you go with that idiot when you could?
What did you want?
Crimson Trousers? PJ's bathhouse? Tell me!
Gedevan, you tell him.
Or I can.
I have a Georgian mother. Had.
She says she is a local Georgian. Was.
Uef! How would you like it if I took them to Alpha.
And you, scabby Chatlanian, wear the tsak!
And sit down when you speak to a Patsak!
Hanut is the Patsak planet, my friend.
Repeat it again.
You eject us on Alpha, and try to brake in its orbit, and then...
You won't be able to brake there.
Don't interrupt...
Go on, my friend.
On Alpha, when they transfer us to the Earth,
we need to keep our fingers on the transference machine
so that it stays with us.
On Earth we can buy you four boxes of matches.
Go on, friend.
Well I could keep going on about this and that.
Let's go.
If we can...
Because of you I'll be locked up in a tub forever.
And you have shown your laziness, once more.
Brothers! Dear, good, friend of mine...
So fly, even if the door is closed.
I can't stand looking at you any more,
it makes me sick.
Farewell, my friend.
let's go.
Brake! Brake! Brake!
How can I brake when you drank all the brake fluid?
Alcoholic!
It's ruined.
Switch off your antlers!
They won't switch off.
Then take them off.
They're broken.
It seems to have landed.
Put on your gas mask.
Just like last time.
And the tsak?
No, we can do without it.
Earth!
On the river, on the river, on those banks...
No...not the Earth.
Hello!
We're Patsaks from the planet Earth.
And you are...?
This is the planet Alpha.
Report your co-ordinates to the Decon,
and she will transfer you to your point of departure.
Good luck!
The number of your planet, if you'd be so good.
013 in the tenture.
Here it is...
Somewhere here straight ahead.
There.
To the left of the Great Bear.
That's not necessary. If you would, hold hands.
Woman, what are you going to do with these?
Into the small room of the hothouse.
Please.
You...
Hold hands!
Do you really turn people into cactii?
Only out of Plukanians.
Oh, but they're not Plukanians. They're Hanutians.
That is irrelevant. Please put on the breathing masks.
Why, your air is really nice.
That is precisely why.
God, just look at her.
Ok, Gedevan. Calm down. Put it on.
In the name of the planet,
I'm asking you to let them go.
Who decides their fate?
Abrodox. But...
Take us to him.
Otherwise I'll take off my mask and start breathing.
You shouldn't worry. Our orangeries are very comfortable.
Blossoming micro-climate, serenety.
One could be jealous of it.
Then why are you running around on the grass,
and not inside in a pot?
Please look where you are going,
you've already squashed three plants.
Friend!
We have a big favour to ask you.
You can't continue. No.
Our misfortune is here in the neighbourhood of the galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza.
They are consumed with fury.
...and depravity.
To continue their lives in the form of plants would be a blessing for them.
And everyone else.
Can we send for them and ask them what would be a blessing for them and what not?
Well if we were to give them the possibility to make that decision, then...
Young lady, are you the most intelligent one here?
Do you do as your told, or what you decide yourself?
We can't waste time with this.
You are creatures of the anti-tenture,
and I must send you to your point of departure.
Or return you in time, to the moment when you made your fateful decision.
Choose.
Excuse me. I don't understand. To what time?
The past...to Pluke.
So it's like this... Alone on Earth.
Or together in the past?
Vladimir Nikolaevich, I won't allow you on Pluke alone.
Listen, uncle, set it for the past.
What did it take, 15 minutes to glue the violin?
15 minutes.
Brother Patsak is coming with the sock.
Let him transfer the etsik for us.
Do you know where it is?
I know.
Go on then, show us.
Let's give them something else to do.
Everyone rest for half an hour!
Thank you, my friend.
Play, play, peasants.
Skripach! Time!
Once again you haven't transfered, Bastards.
Again. Get out.
Bollocks. It's better for us here than on Alpha.
Come on, drag them out.
Quickly, bring us the transfer machine.
Vladimir Nikoleavich! You owe us eleven thousand boxes, as Skripach has noted.
Eleven thousand and twenty.
I have a suggestion. Vova! We'll transfer with you to the Supermarket now,
and after you've bought them all...
There won't be any 'after'. We can only go to the Earth.
Forever?
Forever.
Me on a planet where they don't even know who should squat in front of whom?
Take the gravitsapa and do what you want.
Uncle Uef. Uncle Bee. You'll meet so much there...
No, Gedevan! When a society has no coloured trousers to differentiate class,
then there is no goal. And if there is no goal...
Brothers. Enough philosophising. He's already made his choice.
Now, decide.
With us or not?
Here's the gravitsapa, ok?
Give it to him.
No point.
Well, let's say goodbye...
I got used to you, you know.
Me too.
Well, take care.
Friends, Patsaks!
Here's your sock, thank you. If you want...
Friend! Which is your system?
Let me have a look.
An ordinary system. Press the button and go home.
Hi
Hi - what's new?
Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory.
How's the star schoolboy?
He's out playing...
Vovka, pop out for some bread - I forgot it, can you?
Have we enough macaroni?
Comrade...
How do I get to the Old Arbat?
That way, to the right.
Thank you.
...Skripach?
Uncle Vova?
...Skripach!
Uncle Vova!
Mama, mama, what shall I do?
English subtitles by Andy Hurwitz www.musicinrussia.com
The End