The Creative Union of Comedy and Musical Films
Presents
Kin Dza Dza
Screenplay Revaz Gabriadze Giorgi Danelia
Director Giorgi Danelia
Cinematography Pavel Lebeshev
Design Aleksandr Samulekin Theodor Tezhik
Composer Ghia Kancheli
Sound Yekaterina Popova
Assistant Director Sergei Skripka
Operators L. Bitz K. Gevorkyan Yu. Yakovlev
English translation by Andy Hurwitz www.musicinrussia.com Revised translation by Pavel Koshevoy
Hi
what's new?
pipes burst on Manohin's site
How's the A student?
He's out...
Vovka, pop out for some bread - I forgot, eh?
And pick up some macaroni.
Mister, that man says he's from another planet; we need to do something.
Call the ambulance
I will call but he's almost barefoot - he'll catch a cold
Hello!
Hello. Pardon my odor. It's cold. I picked this up from an iron bin.
Good man.
Friend! Tell me the number of your planet in "Tentura"?
Or at least the number of your galaxy in the spiral?
I got my contacts mixed up and now I can't return home.
We don't know the number. We forgot, my friend.
And now this lad will go and call information, and we'll wait for him in the bakery, OK?
And put this on meanwhile...
Ah, thank you... Listen, friends. There's no need for the bakery, no need for information.
Here is my planet... Uzm, 247 in "Tentura", galaxy Beta in the spiral.
Here is a space travel machine...
So which buttons do I press to get back home?
Time is relative - do you understand that?
Let me make a suggestion.
We'll just press the button and go to your place.
But if the machine doesn't work,
then you'll come with us where we want you to, OK?
No, we can't... You have to know...
Yeah, we can...
What do you see?
Sand...
So the thingamajig worked...
and that idiot, with holes, stayed behind?!
Stay calm, just stay calm...
The sun is here, the sand is here, the gravity is here.
So where are we? We're on Earth. Or...
Or?
No, let's take it we're on Earth, in some desert... OK?
Karakum? Eh? What other deserts do we have?
Gobi, Sahara...
No, I said OUR deserts!
Well, WE also have Kyzyl Kum...
No. Let's assume that this is Karakum. OK?
So that means...
The sun's in the west... so, Ashabad is that way. Got it?
Let's go!
Let's go... let's go!
Mister, what's your name?
Vladimir Nikolayevich.
And I'm Gedevan.
Pleased to meet you...
You have a bottle in your bag... Wine?
Nah, it's vinegar.
And some herbs... kindza (coriander).
Nice...
Vladimir Nikolayevich, do you remember what number he said, the guy that has my sock?
No.
Perhaps we're on the same planet that he came from?
Listen, Skripach! Whatever we guess, it won't make the matters any clearer...
We've picked a direction and walk...
The main thing is to get to water. Got it?
Vladimir Nikolayevich, I want to put my slippers on.
So put them on!
Then stop!
What's the time?
Four.
Night?
Night...
Are you late somewhere?
I called from the airport to say I'd be there in an hour, and here I am...
Are you studying at the conservatory?
No, it's someone else's. Professor Rogozina.
He gave a concert for us, and they forgot to put the violin in the plane.
A banquet?
No, lunch...
Ah! Are you from Tbilisi?
From Batumi.
I thought I'd return the violin, and still have time to catch the train.
I study textiles in Ivanovo.
Aha...
At first I took entrance exams to MGIMO, to the Institute of International Affairs, but they told me there that...
Quiet!...
A man...
Hello...
Capitalist country.
Do you know any languages?
English. Some French.
Tell them we have no money...
Tell them!
Hello! We are tourists, we separated from our group.
Could you give us a lift to the city, and then we'll figure something out on our own.... translate.
Do you speak English?
Parle Francaise?
Hello..
Do you speak English? Parle Francaise?
...Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
Chatl!
No money. Money, documents, currency - all left with the tour guide.
It was an accident... We turned our backs for a minute and... got lost in the sand.
Take it. It's warm.
Excuse me, what?
You want my hat? You are welcome.
This isn't mine, I can't give it to you...
There's nothing in there.
Open it.
It's not wine, it's vinegar.
Sour, yeah?
Friend, so we've agreed? You'll give us a lift?
Skripach, come on quickly...
Like I said -- to the nearest town, and then we'll figure out our own way back..
What, the jacket?
Good thing I didn't give them the violin.
must have felt ashamed...
Ktse!
What do you mean 'Ktse'?
It seems he wants a match
You want a match?
There you go.
The whole box?
Get us away from here, and we'll give you 'Koo'.
Not a single letter, not a single "Made in ...
Pardon me, I don't understand...
Sprechen Sie Turkish?
What do they want?
They want Koo!
Tsak!
Thank you...
He wants me to put on the bell.
Too bad.
I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolayevich, if it makes him happy...
Go ahead!
OK, fine...
I'm going to smoke, please permit me to pass...
Relax, relax!
Vladimir Nikolayevich, perhaps we really are on...
Yes! Typical Martians.
Lusenka, dearest, troublemaker... You had to have those ...macaroni.
So. We know Russian. Why was it necessary to conceal this?
We weren't concealing. It's very hard to understand a language, when you're thinking in two languages.
And that Patsak is talking all the time in languages, the rest of which he doesn't know.
What are you staring at? Maimoona verishvilo.
They know Georgian too...
What did he say?
Monkey son of donkey.
So. We're from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange.
Our people know we are here, and are looking for us.
If you do not let us contact our embassy, you will have big problems, got it?
We don't understand 'embassy'. You better put on Tsak right now!
So, you understand Macaroni, you understand Maimoona, but you don't know what an embassy is...
Quit jerking us around already, got it?
You thought about Macaroni, and I simply repeated it. This is not Earth, or Africa, friend.
This is planet Plyuk, 215 in Tentura, galaxy Kin Dza Dza in the spiral. Got it?
That's just great...
Put on the bell, friend... Come on
There you go... good boy.
Excuse me, where are we?
Sh! She has very sensitive ears. Do you know Tentura coordinates for your planet?
Tentura?
Well, tell us the number of your galaxy in the spiral.
In the spiral?
In the spiral. The spiral...
Yes...
You know, the Earth is where... It orbits with such planets as... Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter
What others, Vladimir Nikolayevich?
Ursa Major.
Vladimir Nikolayevich - come here.
On your planet do you have more matches?
We have some
How many will you give us if we put you back there?
How many do you need?
Two full match boxes like these!
Seven!
Seven.
Give us what you have now, I will buy a Gravitsapa with them.
Sorry, but what is a Gravitsapa?
Gravitsapa, is the thing without which the Pepelats can fly only like this,
but with one - to any point in the Universe in five seconds.
Guys, why would you take a Gravitsapa-less Pepelats out of the garage? It's not right
We had a Gravitsapa, but when we came to this planet it was stolen.
Aha.
Excuse me, would you happen to have a space travel machine?
No.
Give me the matches.
Give me some water.
Like this! You need to do this! You need to do this! Do this...
This is yours. From now on you smoke like this.
Thank you.
He says they have a Gravitsapa. Put your matches here.
Here's what we are going to do. When you put us back on Earth, you'll get this... and this...
What do you mean?
Lets go, Skripach, to outer space
Stop! Give it back. Give it back!
On Mother Earth you'll get them.
Vladimir Nikolayevich! You said if we give you a lift, you'll give them all to us.
And now you've stolen one match from us. Patsak shouldn't cheat another Patsak, it's not nice, friend...
I said - give us a lift to the town!
And what's this?
A shed.
And what's this? What's this? What's this here - not a town?!
Quit jumping around. Show us this Gravitsapa. If it's a brand name - we'll take it.
Patsak! What kind of idiots would accept contraband Ktse from me in front of eye witnesses, when they could get a life term laying on nails for it?
Have you got any brains in your head?
We'll buy it ourselves. Lets go.
Stop! I said stop!
Who are you? I am asking, who are you?
Alien Foreman.
No. You're a Patsak. And who are you?
I'm a Georgian.
No, You're a Patsak too. You're a Patsak, you're a Patsak and he's a Patsak.
But I'm Chatlanian, and they are Chatlanian.
So you put on the Tsak and sit in the Pepelats, understand?
What?
Watch when I point this device at myself, friend... which point registers? Green.
Now at him, watch - green too. And at you...Green.
Now look at Uef - which colour? Orange?
Because he is Chatlanian! Well, do you understand?
What?
Plyuk is the Chatlanian planet. Therefore we, Patsaks, must wear the Tsak...
Yes, and in front of the Chatlanians you must do this...
Vladimir Nikolayevich, it's unashamed racism.
Show us again, please.
Like this!
If you would, a little slower...
Like this.
Vladimir Nikolayevich, you have a wife back home, a straigt-F student son, a cooperative flat you haven't paid for,
and here you are... messing with us This could end badly, friend.
OK, Skripach, let's play along...
Good boy.
Now give the match back to Uef, and he will buy the Gravitsapa.
But he said that you need all of them.
I was joking.
Very funny.
Wait. We'll go together...
Don't show them your Ktse, and don't think about them.
You show them my Ktse. And don't give them more than half a match.
Gravitsapa costs half a match.
Your Patsak said a whole match.
He was also joking.
Grade 300 cement?
Patsak! Remember - half or less.
Okay.
Excuse me, Chatlanian and Patsak - is it nationality?
No.
Biological factor?
No.
Persons from other planets?
No.
So what the difference between them?
Are you color blind, Skripach? Can't you tell apart green color from orange?
Tourist!
Eh!
Skyscraper!
Come on, come on...
do as I showed you...
Hello, miss. Aren't you chilly in that coat?
They aren't letting me in, they are letting you in alone. Don't give them Ktse,
bring the Gravitsapa here, and I'll look at it.
Go on...
Not you!
We're together!
Not you!
Vladimir Nikolayevich, tell him!
It's alright.
Wait here.
Only don't go anywhere!
Hi
How's life?
You want me to curtsy... well, out of respect for the ladies present...
Well, what's new on Plyuk?
Lay down the Ktse, and you'll get the Gravitsapa.
Half?
Half.
Can I have look?
Go ahead.
Actually, I am not a specialist on these Gravitsapa. Let's go and show it to my Chatlanian, he'll check in.
Right, we'll just put the Tsapa on.
Sore throat?
Water...
I have a proposal. I'll give you that Ktse, and you give me two bottles of water. Agreed?
OK.
Do you have any food?
Porridge...
What kind?
Plastic.
Here, I give you this whole Ktse, and you get me 5 bottles of water, and 1 kilo of porridge.
What's this?
Ktse.
We need to check it again.
So check it!
Hey, just a second!
One moment...
Skripach! Can you get matches on Earth?
I can.
If you can spit this farther, I'll give you half a Chatl. Here... with this.
If I can, you give me two matches....
Got it?
No.
It's a simple game. I give you half a Chatl, you give me three matches on Earth.
Here, spit, sonny.
Thanks, but I don't want to.
Fine. You put up one match, and I'll put up three Chatl, yellow pants, and this much head start. Come on!
No!
Blue pants...
Mr. Uef, I will not do this under any circumstances.
Is that your final decision? So why are you messing with my head then? Maimoona verishvilo!
Mr. Uef! I am a representative of a civilized planet, and I demand that you mind your lexicon!
Where are they?
Who?
The one with a scar. Like an idiot, I gave him all the matches.
Stop it guys. Enough!
Enough? What do you mean enough? I told him a thousand times we need to go to the center.
But he's greedy, like all Chatlanians - 'for two Chatlas cheaper!'
There's still one left.
As far as I understand it, enough for a Gravitsapa.
Give it to me. Here.
Why?
To buy a Gravitsapa.
Where?
There, in the center.
And how will you return us to Mother Earth, when you don't even know in which galaxy it spins?
The number of your planet, idiot, any planetarium in the center will give you for two Chatlas!
Give me the match...
So you could cover us in sand?
So you won't give it?
No.
Is that your final decision?
Couldn't be any more final.
Then goodbye, friend.
They'll leave, Vladimir Nikolayevich.
They won't go anywhere, they would choke themselves for a match.
Either you give us that match now, or we won't take you to Earth for less than seven boxes!
Two thousand.
Three
Two thousand three hundred
Three
Two thousand five hundred, I can't give you more.
You can, friend.
Mr Bee,
I have 50 rubles. Matches cost 2 kopeks a box,
that means I can buy two and a half thousand...
Skripach is lying! He has more Chatls.
Mr. Uef! I am not Skripach to you! My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich...
What's there, the engine?
Don't poke your nose in every hole!
...Gedevan Alexandrovich...
Gedevan, let's tie up these lads now and lay in a course North.
Why?
What if the waters of Mediterranean Sea are splashing there?
Ha ha, Vladimir Nicolaevich, have you gone out of your mind, friend?
Where would there be any seas on Plyuk? They made Luts from them long ago.
Sorry, they made what?
Fuel, Skripach, fuel...
Here, you owe us six thousand one hundred and forty boxes.
How come so many?
You ate porridge, you drink water... and Bandura (musical instrument).
Cross off Bandura... we aren't taking the Bandura. Put it down...
Let's take it - we'd be bringing back at least something technological, otherwise who would believe us?
So trade them the violin, if you like it so much.
The violin is Italian, 18th century. It costs 1000 rubles if not more.
How would I pay back for it?
Skripach, instead of thinking that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut, and that
you'll be a Nobel prize laureate, return the spoon you stole from destitute artists.
I wasn't thinking anything of the sort...
I wanted to give it to the Institute of non-Ferrous Metals, in case it's something new...
Heavens! The heavens have never seen as shameful Patsak as you, Skripach.
I am very deeply offended.
Where are you going?
To the restroom.
You can't go to the restroom with money. Leave money here. Gedevan Aleksandrovich.
Ktse is very expensive, friend.
Why?
Well, on Earth, how do you decide who should squat in front of whom and how many times?
Well, you just have to eyeball it.
Savages! Listen, I like you, so I'll teach you
If I have a little bit of Ktse, I have the right to wear yellow pants.
And in front of me a Patsak must squat not one, but two times.
If I have a lot of Ktse, I have the right to wear crimson pants,
and Patsaks must squat twice before me, and Chatlanian must say Koo.
And Ecilop don't have the right to beat me at night - ever!
I have a proposal, friend. You give us the match now, and we'll bring you yellow pants later, OK?
Thanks, I have some already, perhaps Skripach needs some.
Skripach! The aliens are offering pants, yellow.
Do you need any?
Skripach is gone, friend.
How?
I ejected him.
Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolayevich. We have another escape pod, new one. That one was broken anyway.
I don't understand...
I pressed the button - he flew away.
Skripach is unnecessary, friend, he only consumes extra fuel...
Turn around!
Not possible...
Luts is gone. We need to fly to Luts station.
Turn around! Or I'll light this damned Ktse now!
Gedevan!
Skripach!
Where could he have disappeared to?
We are telling you - the Ecilops caught him.
Let's get moving, friend.
Death would be too good for you.
Contact the Ecilops by radio!
But we don't have a radio, we threw it out.
I am going to go check...
Ecilop!
Put on your Tsak, quickly...
Put on your Tsak.
He can get bent
Put it on, or he will Trankluk you. You and the match.
Good day.
Listen, friend, we lost a young lad here, you haven't come across him?
What?
Oh! Sorry, I forgot... They say you picked him up.
Didn't I say we don't need Skripach? Didn't I say?
What will we buy Luts with now?
You're a troublemaker, friend...
He's worse. He's simply Kyoo.
Here's a proposal. We find Skripach, and fly to the local Government...
Bring a little sand, friend...
We explain who we are, where we're from...
They'll give us a Gravitsapa, and we'll organize some mutually profitable trade
You give us yellow pants and we give you as much Ktse as you want.
To fly to the Government - we need to have a Gravitsapa.
The Government lives on another planet, friend.
Uncle Vova! I'm here!
Here...
Skripach!
What!
Where is that thing...
Tsak?
Yeah
I have it.
So give it here!
Why here?
Just give it to me, I said!
There's no-one here.
That's mine.
So keep it ready.
Are you asleep?
No.
Don't lose heart, Skripach.
If there is a Gravitsapa on this Plyuk, we'll get it.
We've been through worse
Quiet!
Hey! Stop!
Listen, give us a lift to the center?
Patsak! Stop.
What?
Don't come any closer. Why do you want?
Give us a lift to the center.
Three Chatlas..
No money! But we'll work for it!
And what can you do?
Me? I can do everything!
And what exactly?
Vladimir Nikolayevich is a foreman, we'll build you a house
And what can you do?
Me?
He can play the violin!
Play...
Play.
I can't!
See you around, Patsaks.
Miss! Wait! I can play!
Play!
Here?
There!
Wait... I'll adjust the sound...
Play.
And sing.
Wait, wait!
How does it go...
Mama, mama, what will I do...
Cool!
What?
I said, 'Cool!'
People like it.
What?
People like it!
Let me be a drummer.
How?
Foreman!
Skripach is unnecessary!
Don't worry, he can be helpful. Give us some water to drink, eh?
I said, after the performance.
We could take it by force.
Then you'd have to ask us.
Oh! Touch me - Ecilop will come and rip your legs off.
I don't give a damn about your Ecilop!
Calm down, Skripach. Don't provoke the lady...
Foreman!
Look...
Alright, I got it.
Listen, do you know anyone with a Gravitsapa and a Pepelats?
Why?
He could drop us off on Earth, and we'd give you a big box of Ktse, and him...
I understand that your people don't believe words, so what am I thinking?
...that your wife is calling the morgues.
No, what exactly now am I thinking?
That you'd repay.
Then it must be the truth.
What idiot on Plyuk thinks the truth?
Absurd!
Because you say what you aren't thinking and think what you aren't thinking, that is why you are sitting in cages,
and this whole bitter cataclysm that I am observing here, and Vladimir Nikolayevich too
Patsaks are supposed to perform in a cage, so we sit in a cage. Why are you showing off?
It's OK friend, we will sing beside the cage.
Get in the cage, he saw us - he'll Trankluk us.
We're not animals.
What?
No you will get inside! Get inside!
Let go!
You will get in!
Wait!
Get in!
Get in, or he will melt us!
Okay, let's get in Skripach, seeing the way she is asking...
Get in.
One two three...
Dance!
Dance...
You know, try to find another ensemble... uncle.
What?
I'll be back.
We've got to get out of here. Boys, push the cart, it's uphill.
That we can do
Give it some gas!
See you, bastards!
I'll let everybody know...
what has become of this planet because of this buffoon PJ
Patsaks are sitting on Chatlanian necks!
So, is everything there?
She stole the cologne.
Woman...
Let me help. Have you got lead in there?
Let me, uncle Vova.
I don't even know where to look.
Which way is Earth?
Galina Borisovna! Mr. Mashkov and I, as Patsaks, could receive two Chatlas for a performance - at most.
Water, Luts and bribes for Ecilops - a minimum of one Chatl a day.
And a Gravitsapa costs half a Ktse! That's two thousand two hundred Chatls.
Divided by 365, take off Saturday and Sunday we get six. That means I couldn't return sooner than in six years!
That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but these are just words.
Where is the proof that you came back from outer space, and didn't sell the violin as Professor Rogozin alleges,
and spent all this time at a disco in Gagry?
Here's a mineral.
Here's a Chatl.
Here's a Tsak.
I attached the bolt and sand to the explanation memo and handed to Rayechka at Deans office, so that she would send it to UNESCO.
Where?
UNESCO.
You are a grown man, Gedevan Alexandrovich. You've studied for one semester and disappeared for years!
Then you show up... With some pebble, some chip of old Caucasus ceramics, and a fishing bell!
And you are demanding... well, besides that, if you have musical talent,
then why didn't you participate in our amateur performers clubs?
You will excuse me, Skripach, but this is elementary Koo (BS)!