The Creative Union of Comedy and Musical Films
Presents
Kin Dza Dza
Screenplay Revaz Gabriadze Giorgi Danelia
Director Giorgi Danelia
Cinematography Paval Lebeshev
Design Aleksandr Samulekin Theodor Tezik
Composer Gia Kancheli
Sound Yekaterina Popova
Assistant Director Sergei Skripka
Operators L. Bits K. Gevorkyan U. Yakovlev
English translation by Andy Hurwitz www.musicinrussia.com
Hi
what's new?
Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory
How's the star schoolboy?
He's out playing...
Vovka, pop out for some bread - I forgot it, can you?
And I don't think there's enough macaroni
Comrade, that man says he's from another planet; we need to do something.
Call 03
I will call but he's barefoot - he'll catch cold
Hello!
Hello. Excuse my bad smell. I'm cold. I found this in an iron bin.
Fine.
Friend! Tell me the number of your planet in the tenture?
Or at least the number of your galaxy in the spiral?
I got my contacts mixed up and now I can't return home.
We don't know the number. We forgot, my friend.
And now this lad will go and call information, and we'll wait for him in the bakers, okay?
And put this on meanwhile...
Thank you... Listen, my friends. There's no need for the bakers, no need for information.
This is my planet... 247 in tenture, galaxy Beta, in the spiral.
With this machine you travel in space...
So which co-ordinates do I press in order to travel home?
You see time is relative - do you understand this?
Let me make a suggestion.
We'll just press this contact and travel to your home.
But if this machine doesn't work,
then you travel with us to where we want to take you, okay?
No, you can't... You need to know...
Yes we can...
So what can you see? Eh?
Sand...
So that gadget worked...
and that idiot, with his holes, he stayed behind?
Don’t worry...
There's the sun, there's sand, there's gravity.
Where are we? We're on Earth. Or...
Or?
No, let's take it we're on Earth, in some desert... So?
Karakumi? Eh? What other deserts do we have?
Gobi, Sahara...
No, I said OUR deserts!
The only other one is the Kyzylkumi.
No. Let's take it that it's the Karakumi. Eh?
So that means...
The sun's in the west... so, Ashabad is this way. Understood?
let's go!
Let's go... let's go!
Comrade, what's your name?
Vladimir Nikolaevich.
And I'm Gedevan.
Pleased to meet you...
You have a bottle in your bag, is it wine?
No, it's wine vinegar.
And some herbs - coriander.
So we'll live well.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember what number was given by the guy who took my socks?
No.
Only maybe we're on the planet, he came from?
Listen, Skripach! Whatever we guess, it's all the same and won’t change a thing!
Now we choose a direction and go.
The most important thing is to reach water. Alright?
Vladimir Nikoaevich, I want to put my slippers on.
Well, put them on!
Then wait!
What's the time?
Four.
In the morning?
Yes...
Are you late?
I feel uncomfortable... I phoned the airport to say I'd be there in an hour. And here we are...
Are you studying at the conservatory?
No, it's someone else's. Professor Rogozina.
He gave a harvest concert for us, and they forgot to put the violin in the plane.
A banquet?
No, dinner...
Ah! Are you from Tibilisi?
No, Batumi.
I thought I'd return the violin, and still have time to catch the train.
I study textiles in Ivanova.
Aha...
So first I went to MGIMO to return it, to the institute of international relations, but they told me there that...
Quiet!...
A man...
Hello...
American?
Do you know any languages?
English. Some French.
Tell them we have no money...
Tell them we can't pay them.
Hello! We are from a group of tourists and we've strayed from the group.
Take us to the town, and somehow we'll regroup.... .
Do you speak English?
Parle francais?
Hello..
Do you speak English? Parle Francais?
...Sprechen Sie Deutch?
Chatl!
No money. Money, documents, currency - all left with the tour guide.
So, that's the result... we turned our backs for a minute and... disappeared in the sands.
Take it. It's warm.
Excuse me, what?
You want my hat?
I'm sorry...it's somebody else's, I can't give it away...
There's nothing in there.
Open it.
It's not wine, it's vinegar.
Sour, eh?
Well friend so it's agreed? You'll take us?
Skripach, quickly...
Like I said we must get to the nearest town, and here's a way we can get there!
The jacket now...
A good thing they don't want the violin.
Now they feel ashamed!
What do you mean 'Ktse'?
He seems to want the matches.
You want the matches?
There.
The whole box?
Take us away from here, and we'll give you 'koo'.
Not one letter to identify where it's made...
Excuse me, I don't understand...
Do you speak Turkish?
What do they want?
They want Koo!
Thank you...
He wants me to wear the bell.
Too bad.
I'll wear it, Vladimir Nikolaevich, if it makes him happy...
Go ahead!
All right, I'm persuaded.
I'm going to light up, if that's all right with you...
Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe we really are on...
Yes! Typical Martians.
Lusenka, darling, pest, it seems to you these...macaroni.
So. We know Russian do we? Why was it necessary to conceal it?
Well we didn't conceal it. It's very difficult to fathom a language, when straight away you're thinking in two languages.
And that Patsak is talking all the time in languages, the rest of which he doesn't know.
Why are you staring at me, maimoona verishvilo.
They know Georgian too...
What did he say?
Ape son of a donkey.
So. We're from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange.
They know us, and where we are, and can find us.
If you're not prepared to let us contact our embassy, there will be large scale repercussions, is that clear?
We don't understand ‘embassy’, put on the bell quickly!
That means you understand macaroni, you understand maimuni, but you don’t know what's an embassy, idiots.
I've had enough! You're morons, understand?
You thought about macaroni and I just repeated it. This is not the Earth, and not Africa, my friend.
It's the planet Pluk, 215 in tenture. In the galactic spiral of Kin Dza Dza. Do you understand?
How do you do? Let's go...
Wear the bells, my friend... Wear them.
There we are, well done.
Excuse me, where are we?
Sh! She has very sensitive ears. Do you know the tenture of your own planet?
Tenture?
Well, tell me the number of your galaxy in the spiral.
In the spiral?
In the spiral. The spiral...
Yes...
You know where the earth is. It orbits with such planets as er... Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter...
What others, Vladimir Nikolaevich?
The Great Bear.
Vladimir Nikolaevich - come here.
On your planet do you have more matches?
Well, you'll find them.
How many will you give us if we set you back there?
How many do you need?
Two packs like these!
Seven!
Seven.
But give us what you have now, I will buy a gravitsapa from them.
Sorry, but what is a gravitsapa?
Without a gravitsapa a pepelats can only fly like this,
but with one you can reach any point in the universe - in five seconds.
My friends, how is it that you bring a pepelats without a gravitsapa from the garage? It's not in working order.
We had a gravitsapa. But when we arrived here, it broke down.
Aha.
But don't you have a transference machine?
No.
Give me the matches.
Give us some water.
Like this! You need to do this! Foo.. You need to do this! Foo...Do this...Foo...
It's yours, now smoke like this.
Thank you.
He says there they have a gravitsapa. Put your matches here.
Here's what we'll do. When you put us on the earth, you can have them...
What do you mean?
Come on, Skripach, to the open cosmos.
Wait! Come back. Come back!
On mother earth you'll get them.
Vladimir Nikolaevich! You said if we take you, you will give us them all.
But then you stole this match from us. Patsak doesn't cheat patsak it's not nice, my friend...
I said - take us to the town!
And what's this?
A shed.
And what's this? What's this? What's this here - not a town?!
You're trying to make fools of us. Show us your gravitsapa. It's a trade thing. We'll take it.
Patsak! What kind of idiots have I got here who give me contraband ktse in front of witnesses, when for that you'll get life imprisonment lying on nails?
Have you got a brain in your head or Kyoo?
We'll buy it ourselves. Come on.
Stop! Stop I say!
Who are you? I asked, who are you?
The new foreman.
No. You're a patsak. And who are you?
I'm a Georgian.
No, You're a patsak too. You're a patsak, you're a patsak and he's a patsak.
But I'm chatlanian, and they are chatlanian.
So you wear the tsak and sit in the pepelats, understand?
What?
Watch when I point this device at myself, my friend... which point registers? Green.
Now at him, watch - green too. And at you...Green.
Now look at Uef - which colour? Orange?
Because he is Chatlanian! Well, do you understand?
So what?
Pluk is the Chatlanian planet. Therefore we, Patsaks, must wear the tsak...
Yes, and in front of we Chatlanians you must do this...
Vladimir Nikolaevich, it's unashamed racism.
Show us again, please.
Like this!
If you would, a little slower...
Like this.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, you have a wife at home, a son doing badly at school, a cooperative flat you haven't paid for,
and you're here...you're brain has gone. It's ended pretty badly, my friend.
Very well, Skripach, let's play their games...
There we are, well done.
Now give a match to Uef, and he will buy the gravitsapa.
But it was said that you need them all.
I was joking.
Very funny.
Wait. We'll go together...
Don't show them your ktse, and don't think about them.
You show them my ktse. And don't give them more than half a match.
Gravitsapa costs half a match.
Your Patsak said a whole match.
And he was joking.
Grade 300 cement?
Patsak! Remember - Half or less.
Okay.
Excuse me - Chatlanian and Patsak - is it nationality?
No.
Biological factor?
No.
From different planets?
No.
So what distinguishes you from one another?
Are you colour blind, Skripach? Green differs from orange doesn't it?
Tourist!
Wow!
Skyscraper!
Come on!
Hello, citizen. You won't feel the cold in that coat, eh?
They will keep me out. They will let you in. Don't give them ktse,
bring the gravitsapa here, and I'll look at it.
Come on...
Not you!
We're together!
Not you!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him!
It's alright.
Wait here.
Only don't go anywhere!
Hi!
How's life?
You say, bow... but out of respect for the ladies present...
Well what's new on Pluk?
Lay down the ktse, and you'll get the gravitsapa.
Half?
Half.
Can I look at it?
Look.
In general I am not a specialist on these gravitsapa, so let's go and show it to my Chatlanian. He'll examine it.
Right. Let's fit the Tsapa.
Bad throat?
Water...
I have a proposal. I'll give you that ktse, and you give me two bottles of water. Agreed?
Let's do it.
Do you have any food?
Kasha...
What sort?
Plastic.
So if I give you a whole ktse, you'll give me five bottles of water and a kilo of kasha.
For what?
Ktse.
we need to check it again.
Check it!
Oi, just a second!
Wait...
Skripach! Can you obtain more matches on Earth?
I can.
If you can spit this further, I'll give you a half chatl. Like so... spit.
If I can, you give me two matches....
Do you see?
No.
It's just a game. I give you half a chatl, you give me three matches.
Go ahead, spit, my son.
Thank you, I'd rather not.
Well fine. Give me one match, or I give you three chatla, yellow trousers and these odds. Go on!
No!
Blue trousers...
Mr Uef, I will not enter such terms and conditions.
Are you going to change your mind? Why are you annoying me, maimoona verishvilo?
Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet, and I demand that you follow our lexicon!
Where are they?
Who?
The one with a scar, who I like an idiot gave all the matches to.
Quiet, my friends. Enough!
Enough? What do you mean enough? I told him a thousand times we need to go to the centre.
But he's greedy, like all Chatlanians - 'for two chatlas cheaper!'
Well there's still one.
As I understand it, enough for a gravitsapa.
Give it to me. Here.
Why?
To buy a gravitsapa.
Where?
There, in the centre.
And how will you return us to Mother Earth, when you don't even know in which galaxy she orbits?
The number of your planet, idiot, any planetarium in the centre will give out for two chatlas!
So you'll give me the match?
So you can cover us in sand?
So you won't give it?
No.
And you won't change your mind?
That won't happen!
Then goodbye, my friend.
They're going, Vladimir Nikolaevich.
They won't go anywhere, they'll hang themselves for a match.
Either you agree to give us that match, or we won't take you to the Earth for less than seven boxes!
Two thousand.
Three
Two thousand three hundred
Three
Two thousand five hundred, I can't give you more.
You can, my friend.
Mr Bee,
I have 50 rubles, matches cost 2 kopeks a box,
that means I can buy two and a half thousand...
Skripach you're lying! You have more chatls.
Mr Uef! I am not Skripach to you! My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich...
what's that, an engine?
Don't poke your nose in every hole!
...Gedevan Alexandervich...
Gedevan, let's tie up these lads now, and take a course to the North.
Why?
Maybe the shores of the Mediterranean are there?
Ha, so Vladimir Nicolaevich, you've gone out of your mind, my friend.
Where on Pluk is there a sea? They made fuel from them long ago.
Sorry, they made what?
Fuel, Skripach, fuel...
Now you owe us six thousand, one hundred and forty boxes.
How has it accumulated so much?
You ate the kasha, you drank the water... and took the bandura.
No, delete the bandura... we don't want the bandura. Put it down...
Let's at least take something technical, if not who will believe it?
Now give them the violin, if you like it so much.
It's an 18th century Italian violin, and cost 1000 rubles, if not more.
How will I pay for it?
Skripac, instead of thinking that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut,
give back the spoon you stole from a poor artist.
I never thought of such a thing...
I wanted to return it to the institute of non-ferrous metals, something new...
Heavens! The heavens never saw such a disreputable Patsak as you, Skripach.
I am deeply sad.
Where are you going?
To the toilet.
You can't go to the toilet with money, money is left here. Gedevan Aleksandervich.
Ktse are very dear, my friend.
Why?
Well now, on Earth, how do you determine who should squat in front of whom and how many times?
Well, you just have a feel for it.
Barbarian! Listen, I've started to like you, and I'm teaching you.
If I have a few ktse, I have the right to wear yellow trousers.
And in front of me a patsak should squat not one, But two times.
If I have many ktse, I have the right to wear crimson trousers,
and a patsak should squat twice in front of me, and chatlanian say koo.
And the Etsilop don't have the right to beat me at night. Never.
I have a suggestion, my friend. You give us the match, now, and we'll then give you yellow trousers, okay?
Thanks, I have some already, perhaps Skripach needs them.
Skripach! Here are some interplanetary trousers for sale.
Yellow ones. Do you want them?
Skripach isn't here, my friend.
Why not?
I ejected him.
But you needn't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich we have another ejector seat. A new one. It's all in order.
I don't understand...
I pressed the button - he flew.
We don't need Skripach, my friend, he only uses extra fuel...
Turn around!
Not possible...
Fuel is finished. We need to fly to the fuel station.
Turn around! Or this damned match will burn now!
Gedevan!
Skripach!
What can have become of him?
You've been told. The etsilops have caught him.
Well let's fly, my friend.
I could murder you!
Get in touch with the epsilops by radio!
But we don't have a radio, we threw it out.
I'll be back... I'll take a look...
Epsilop!
Put on the tsak, quick...
put on the tsak.
Leave it!
Put it on, or he will trankluk you. You and the match.
Good day.
Listen, friend, We lost a young lad here, you haven't come across him?
What?
O! Sorry, I forgot... They said you picked him up.
I said we don't need Skripach. I said it.
Now how do we buy luts? How?
You're a disease, my friend...
He's worse. He's just kyoo.
Here's a suggestion. We find Skripach, and fly to the local government...
Bring a little sand, my friend...
We tell him who we are, where we're from...
They'll give us a gravitsapa, and we'll organise some mutually beneficial trade
you give us yellow trousers and we give you as many ktse as you want.
To fly to the government - we need to have a gravitsapa.
The governers live on another planet, my friend.
Uncle Vova! I'm here!
Here...
Skripach!
What!
And where... My thing, what is it...
Tsak?
Well?
I have it.
So give it to me!
Why here?
Well, just give it to me, I said!
There's noone here.
That's mine.
Alright, then keep it ready.
You asleep?
No.
Don't lose heart, Skripach.
If there is a gravitsapa on this Plyuk, we'll get it.
We've got scarcer things...
Listen!
Eh! Wait!
Listen, drop us off in the centre.
Patsak! Stop.
What?
Don't come any closer. Why do you want?
Take us to the centre!...
Three chatlas..
No money! But we'll work for it!
And what can you do?
Me? I can do everything!
And what exactly?
Vladimir Nikolaevich is a builder foreman, he can build you a house
And what can you do?
Me?
He can play the violin!
Play...
Play.
I can't!
See you around, Patsaks.
Woman! Wait! I can play!
Play!
Here?
There!
Wait a minute...I can tune this up...
Play.
And sing.
Wait, wait!
How does it go...
Mama, mama, what should I do?...
Cool!
What?
I said, 'Cool!'
These people like it.
What?
These people like it!
Let me be a drummer.
How?
Foreman!
We don't need Skripach!
Don't worry, he can be useful. Give us some water to drink, eh?
I said, after the performance.
And we could take it by force.
Then you'd have to ask us.
Oo! Touch me - etselop will come and pull off your legs.
I don't give a damn about your etsilop!
Calm down, Skripach. Don't provoke the lady...
Foreman!
Look.....
Alright, I understand.
Listen, do you know anyone with a gravitsapa and a pepelats?
Why?
Well he could drop us off on Earth, and we'd give you a big box of ktse, and him...
I understand that your people don't trust words, well read what I'm thinking...
...that your wife is phoning the morgues.
No, what exactly now I'm thinking.
What you're going to give us.
Then it's the truth.
What idiot on Plyuk thinks the truth?
Absurd!
So because you say what you don't think and think what you don't think, so you live in cages.
All this bitter cataclysm which I see here, and Vladimir Nikolaevich sees too...
Patsaks have to perform in a cage, so we need a cage. Why show off?
Doesn't matter, my dear, we will sing beside the cage.
Get in the cage or he will see us, and will trankluk you.
We're not animals.
What???
No you will come inside! Come inside!
Let go!
You will get in!
Wait!
Get in!
Get in, or he will melt us!
Okay, get in Skripach. If she wants it that badly.
Get in.
One two three...
Dance!
Dance...
You know, try to find another ensemble... my friend.
What???
I'll be back.
We've got to get out of here. Boys, push the cart, it's uphill.
The pleasure is ours...
Gas!
See you, bastards!
I will tell everybody...
...where this buffoon PZh has led the planet.
Patsaks have walked all over chatlanians!
Well, everything there?
She stole the eau de cologne.
Women!...
Hang on, is that lead you got there?
Let me, uncle Vova.
I don't even know which way to look.
Where's the Earth?
Galina Borisovna! Comrade Mashkov and I, as patsaks, could receive two chatlas for a performance - it's the maximum.
Water, luts and fines for epsilops - a minimum of one chatl a day.
And a gravitsapa costs half a ktse! That's two thousand two hundred chatls.
Divided by 365, take off Saturday and Sunday we get six. And that's for those six years when I had no way of returning!
That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but these are just words.
Where is the proof, that you arrived from the cosmos, and didn't sell the violin, as Professor Rogozin alleges,
and spent all this time in a disoteque in Garak?
Here's some rock.
Here's a chatl.
Here's a tsak.
And a nut and sand I attached to the explanation report and handed in to Dean Raechke, so that it could be sent to UNESCO.
Where?
UNESCO.
You are a grown man, Gedevan Alexandrovich. You study for one term and disappear for a year! And explain yourself...
With some pebble, some piece of old Caucas ceramics, and a donkey bell!
A candidate for... well, as to that, if you have musical talent,
then why didn't you participate in our amateur performers course?
You will excuse me, Skripach, but it's elementary koo!