Excuse me.
Do you know where Ballswood House is?
- Ballswood House? - Yeah.
What, it's round here, is it?
Yeah.
It's near King's Cross.
Ain't you got no street name?
No what?
This all you got? Ain't you got no directions?
No, that's it.
Hang on.
Come with me. Come on.
Come on, then.
You heard of a Ballswood House?
Ballswood? What's that - a joke?
No, there's a geezer here looking for Ballswood House.
Oh, hello. Come in.
Ballswood.
There's Ballspond Road.
I've got that.
Come in. Put your bag down. Shut the door.
There's no Ballswood.
- Sit down. Want a cup of tea? - Yes, please.
Go on, sit down.
Thanks.
- Who give you that? - My mum.
- You on your holidays? - He's looking for his sister.
I've come to get a job.
Where are you from?
- Byfleet. - Where's that?
- Surrey, innit. - Is it?
So you've come to London looking for work?
You'll be lucky, mate.
I'm gonna get a job on a building site. Vivien said.
Who's Vivien?
My sister, Vivien Bennett. Do you know her?
No.
Help yourself to a biscuit.
Thanks.
What's that?
It's a cactus, innit?
- Guess what its name is. - Dunno.
Thatcher.
Cos it's a pain in the arse. Prongs you every time you walk past it.
That bit's Den is.
Is it?
That's Bollock, Dick, Turd, Brains. That's Willy. That's Knob.
They've all got names.
Did your mum write that down for you?
- Yeah. - There's a bit missing.
Is there?
She ain't put the street name down.
How do you mean?
Ballswood House is a block of flats.
No, it's a house. 29, Ballswood House.
Yeah, but it's in a street, and you ain't got the street name.
Oh, yeah.
When you've had your tea, go down the station. Ask a cabbie.
They know all the flats.
Who are they?
Cabbies. Taxi drivers.
- You'll be all right. - Yeah.
Right, then right again.
- Right. - No, left and left.
- It's quicker to go right. - No, it ain't.
- It don't make no difference, does it? - No, it don't, does it?
All right, go left, then left again.
Then again, you could go right and right.
Whatever, it's just over the back.
See you. Here, what's your name?
Wayne. What's yours?
Shirley. That's Cyril.
Pleased to meet you.
Hello.
Mind how you go, then.
Bye.
Take care of yourself.
Thanks.
Bye.
- I bet you a quid he goes left. - Right, you're on.
Go on, my son. Yes!
What's he doing?
I don't believe it!
Go on, Wayne.
Want to come and see my old lady, get it over with?
Give us my pound first.
Got no change, have I?
Mum?
How have you been? All right?
Could be better.
Ain't you been well?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
That's all right then, innit?
Do you want anything? Want a cup of tea?
Why, what's the time?
It's about three o'clock.
No, it's too early for me.
Please yourself.
It'll spoil my tea, won't it?
Yeah.
You can have one, if you like.
- No, I don't want one. - I'll have one.
- You want one, do you? - One sugar.
Biscuit?
Got any chocolate biscuits?
- No. - Oh, it don't matter.
- You'll have to have plain, then. - Anything will do.
Save me a couple for my tea.
Yeah, all right, all right.
Been out anywhere, then?
When?
I don't know - yesterday, Friday?
Oh. I thought you meant today.
No.
Where would I go on a Sunday?
Church?
Only joking.
We can't stop long. We just popped round to see if you were all right.
We only just got here.
You heard from Valerie yet?
No.
You're better off, ain't you?
She can suit herself.
Yeah, she will.
The big seven-O soon, innit?
What's that?
It's your birthday coming up.
Yeah. Be getting a telegram from the Queen, I expect.
Good mate of yours, is she, the Queen?
When are you going to smarten yourself up?
The day they machine-gun the Royal Family,
I'll comb my hair and put a tie on.
Feel better?
You've been asleep for a couple of hours.
I haven't.
You have.
Shut up.
He's winding you up.
I only shut my eyes for a minute.
What are you doing?
Just looking at these window boxes, ain't I?
- I don't think no-one's in. - There never is of a weekend.
No, they've gone to their country mansion.
This was a different street when I was a kid.
Before the middle classes took over.
I bet your mum's the only council tenant left round here.
Here, have a look at this.
A pity your mum ain't got central heating, eh?
Ain't the same, is it?
Why do they want to live around here?
They buy these houses for sod all and sell them for a fortune.
It ain't a home, though.
No, it ain't. It's a capital investment.
My thumb's aching. Is yours?
Come on, then.
I bet your mum did vote Tory last year.
Course she did.
She wasn't even gonna vote. We took her round there.
If she'd voted Labour, she'd have owned up.
Yeah.
Working-class Tories stabbing themselves in the back.
What did your mum used to work at?
She never had no job.
How about when she first left school?
She worked in a canteen.
Oh, yeah.
It was during the war.
She stayed at home after she had your Valerie, didnâ€™t she?
I don't know if I'd go back to work or not.
What do you mean?
After I've had a kid, of course.
You ain't got a kid yet.
I know I ain't got a kid yet.
So what are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
It's an over-populated world as it is.
- Oh, wotcha. - All right?
- What, no luck? - No.
Couldn't you find it?
No, I found it.
You'd better come in, then.
Thanks.
You don't live your life to please your mum.
Cyril don't.
If you've got nowhere to go, you go home.
I can't, really.
- Have you had a row with your mum? - Sort of.
Yeah? Because you ain't got a job?
- No, cos I got the pies wrong. - What pies?
I was supposed to get steak and kidney pies, and I got pork pies instead.
That was last week.
Your mum spoke to your sister on the phone, didnâ€™t she?
- When was that? - Last week.
And your sister knew you was coming?
Yeah.
- How do you know? - Because my mum said.
Ring your mum and tell her your sister wasn't in.
- I can't do that. - Why?
Cos we're not on the phone.
Maybe we ought to let him stay here tonight.
I think so.
Well, you can stay here tonight, if you want.
Sleep with Cyril.
Leave it out. We've got another room. There's a mattress in there.
Is there? Thanks.
Better than walking the streets.
- Want a biscuit? - No, thanks.
- Ain't you hungry? - No, I had a Wimpy.
What are you doing?
- What am I doing? - Yeah.
I'm gonna get out of it, Wayne.
How do you mean?
Did you go to that Wimpy down by the station?
Yeah. There's a lot of people about, aren't there?
Yeah.
Was you hassled? Did anyone give you any aggravation?
Yeah. This bloke started staring at me. And then he said something.
- What did he say? - Don't know. I didnâ€™t understand.
There's a lot of dodgy geezers about.
You've got to be careful.
If your sister ain't in tomorrow, you'd better go back to Byfleet.
- I can't do that. - Why?
My mum would be annoyed with me.
Was you wearing them on the way here?
Yeah, I was.
Bright, aren't they?
Shut up, they're nice.
That'll do. Right, right, lay down.
Put your arms in. That's it.
That's it.
One.
Two.
There.
Can I have my stereo, please?
That's a bit smart, innit?
It's a ghetto blaster.
Thanks.
- Goodnight, then. - Night, Wayne.
Sleep tight.
Hope the fleas don't bite.
What did he say?
He said he hopes the fleas don't bite!
Hark at him.
"Turn that radio off!"
"Wayne, I'll give you a smack!"
"What do you think this is, a bleedin' disco?"
Shut up.
Don't laugh.
He'd get on your wick, though, wouldnâ€™t he?
I hope I don't have a kid that's a bit thick.
Cyril?
Wake up.
He's still asleep. See you.
Your tea's getting cold.
You remember where it is, Ballswood House?
Yeah, just round the corner. Not far, really.
- Let's hope she's there, eh? - I expect she is.
This is Cyril to Greased Lightning. Cyril to Greased Lightning, over.
If she ain't, you get on the bus and go back to Byfleet.
Roger. And bloody hurry up!
Yeah, I'm on my bike. Over and out.
Who was you speaking to?
My office.
How fast can this bike go?
- This? - Yeah.
As fast as I want it to.
Mind your back, then.
I think he'll find it completely overbearing.
I disagree. He'll be tremendously amused.
Whereas, one can hardly call Rosie a lady.
I'd like you to give me a hand with these things.
I'll take the pheasant.
Boo! Hi, Mum.
- You're looking well. - You made me jump.
God, look at me.
They think they own the whole bleedin' street.
Couldnâ€™t you leave him outside?
How many times do I have to tell you? He is a she, right?
It took me a week to get all them hairs off the furniture.
It'll give you something to do, won't it?
There you are.
What are they saying about my baby?
What's this?
Happy Christmas.
It's nearly February.
So? Listen, Mum, what are you saying?
Bit late, innit?
You've got it now.
You could have come to us on Christmas Day, and you didn't.
Do you want it now or dont you?
I don't care.
It's always the same. You never care. You never have cared.
Well, please yourself.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Are you going in? - No, I phoned Jeremy.
What did you say?
I told him something rather urgent had cropped up.
Just a minute.
What do you mean?
I've got a surprise for you.
Where are you going?
Stay where you are.
I like surprises.
When are you coming over?
Dunno.
What about Sunday week?
I'll pick you up.
I'm not going with Martin.
I said I'll pick you up.
Come and get me!
Mr Sausage, hello!
Mr Sausage is on the stairs!
Naughty Mr Sausage!
Very naughty Mr Sausage.
Mr Sausage deserves a smack.
On his botty!
Mr Sausage is coming to get you!
No, he's not.
- Yes, he is. - No, he isn't.
Yes, he is!
I'm coming to get Mr Sausage.
Oh, jolly good!
Are you gonna open your present or not?
What is it?
It's for your blood pressure.
Look.
Let's open it.
See?
Are you pleased with it? Are you?
Do you want to sign for that?
Just wait a moment, can't you?
Now.
- There you are. - Terrific.
I don't know what you're on about. I gave you 100 on Friday.
- So? - Where's it gone?
- I want you. - Don't start all that.
- I only want 50. - Look, I'm busy.
Where are the customers?
- What do you want money for? - Your dinner's round your mouth.
- Where are you going? - Shopping.
Use plastic.
I can't. I left them at home.
Go and get them. You've nothing better to do!
- Give me some cash! - Get off!
Christ, you don't half pong! What have you got on?
Here's a tenner.
Hi!
Christ, I'm starving.
What's the matter with you?
Nothing. Do you want your dinner?
Course I do. I could eat a horse between two mattresses.
What have you got?
Something special.
- Wheel it in. - Are you ready?
And willing.
- What's this? - Your dinner.
- You trying to be funny? - No.
- What are you laughing at? - I'm not laughing.
Typical! You can't take a joke.
Take a joke? I can take a joke. I don't get this joke.
If you don't give me cash, you get bread and water.
You're round the bloody twist. I give you a bleedin' fortune.
I'm hungry. Give us that bread!
- No. - Why not?
Because I have cooked your dinner.
Ben appetito.
I don't want it.
What?
I ain't hungry.
What do you mean?
I had some peanuts in the pub.
Are you gonna eat this or not?
No.
Right!
Baby!
Look what Mummy's cooked for you. Yes!
I want my prescription made up.
It's in my purse.
Must be in the other one.
It's in here somewhere.
Where is it?
- What? - My purse.
It's got my prescription in it.
Maybe you left it at your house.
I put it in my bag.
I'm sure I did.
That's fine.
Excuse me. Just a minute.
I'm sorry?
I've locked myself out.
- Pardon? - I can't get in.
Ah. That's not a very clever thing to have done, is it?
Have you forgotten your keys?
I left my purse on top of the telly.
Couldn't get my pills from the chemist.
But what have you done with your keys?
In my purse.
Ah. Well erm...
Have you seen a policeman?
Not around here.
Aren't there any neighbours you know who could help?
Not any more.
Is there anyone you know who has another set of keys?
- My son... - I'm sorry?
- My son and my daughter. - Where are they?
My son'll be at work.
What about your daughter?
She might be anywhere.
Is she on the telephone?
Yeah.
Might I suggest you give her a ring and tell
her to come here with a set of keys pronto?
But I can't get in.
I'm sorry?
I can't get in my house.
There are such things as telephone booths, you know.
I ain't got no money.
- Why ever not? - It's in my purse.
You have got yourself into a pickle, haven't you?
Well...
if you'd like to give me your daughter's number, I'll give her a quick ring.
I don't know her number. It's in my book indoors.
Is she in the telephone directory?
I expect so.
Right.
Well...
.. I suppose you'd better come in, just for a moment.
Chop chop.
No, we can't have that thing in the house, thank you.
- It might get pinched. - Don't be absurd!
Hello?
Mrs Burke?
Who wants to know?
This is Laetitia Boothe-Brain, your mother's next-door neighbour.
Oh, hi!
I have your mother sitting here in my kitchen.
It appears she has locked herself out.
So?
Don't you have a spare key?
What if I have?
Perhaps you'd like to bring it over.
Is she being a nuisance or something?
No, not as yet, but I am a little pushed.
Hello?
How long are you likely to be?
Excuse me, did I say I was coming?
Well, if you're not, who is?
OK, no hassle, we'll send someone over. All right?
Jolly good. Post haste.
- What? - Bye-bye.
It's rather a large house for one person, don't you agree?
I manage.
Milk?
Yes, please.
But you can hardly justify having three bed rooms, though, can you?
It's my home.
Yes, it is at the moment, I grant you that. Sugar?
I'm not sure it wouldn't be better appreciated
by a professional couple or even a family.
Biscuit?
Thank you.
I've always lived there.
Yes, that's as may be, but times change.
I think you'd be the first to agree
you'd be far better off buying yourself a nice little modern granny flat.
Where would I get the money from?
If you were to put your house on the market,
you'll find you've been sitting on a gold mine.
Do you have all your original features?
Cornices? Fireplaces?
I've got fireplaces, yeah.
Et voilÃ . Bring in the estate agents.
It's not my house.
Ah, it belongs to a member of your family?
It belongs to the council.
Oh!
Well, mercifully, you people have the opportunity
to purchase your council property nowadays.
I'd snap it up, if I were you.
Then, of course, one resells.
Do you think I could use your toilet?
Ah, the lavatory.
Yah, I'll show you where it is in a minute.
Hello, Burke's Burgers, can I help you?
- Hi! - What do you want?
Who does Cyril work for?
I dunno, Greasy Pole or something. Why?
- He's got to go round to Mum's. - What for?
She's had a serious accident.
Is she in hospital?
She's locked out with that yuppie woman next door.
- Big deal. - Look, it's a matter of life and death.
Leave it out.
If she dies, on your head be it.
Why don't you go round?
Please!
He could be anywhere, he might be in Timbuktu.
Oi, mind that fat!
Are you gonna get hold of him or not?
I'll try, but...
I love you.
Hang on a minute...
Cyril. Come in, Cyril.
Your old mum's had some bloody accident. Over.
Yeah, what's happened to her?
Dunno. She's next door. Number 55, is it?
I'd better shoot over there. I'm bailing out.
You know, if you really don't have the capacity to remember things,
you ought to put them on a chain round your neck.
How was your lunch?
- Minimalistic, to say the least. - Oh, God.
Not that bloody awful nouvelle cuisine?
Yah.
You must be ravenous.
- I did manage a couple of oysters. - Ah, well done. I had a dozen.
- Oh, did you really? - Yah.
The most enormous Chateaubriand.
Everybody else had some bilious-looking fish.
You'll never guess who Aunt Amanda brought along.
- Who? - Arrowminta de Winter.
- Really? - Yah.
- I had no idea they were friends. - Oh, they've been chums for years.
Minty is trying to coax me into doing some charity work for her.
- Charity work? - Spring function at Grosvenor House.
I said the only thing I felt sure of
was being able to solicit a couple of cases
of something bubbly from my husband.
Did you, indeed?
I think that's awfully presumptuous of you.
To whom are we giving this time?
Mentally-handicapped something-or-other.
- Do they drink champagne? - Yes, I expect so.
Put me down.
Seen anything you like?
I can't see very well without my other glasses.
Oh, you've left those inside as well, have you?
Don't bring them out, as a rule.
We are an old scatterbrain today, aren't we?
When can we expect these keys to arrive?
Well, a.s.a.p, hopefully.
The traffic's appalling.
- All right like this, am I? - No, DJ, I think.
Do you? Well, put it out, would you?
We're going to the opera.
Jeremy Ructon-Barrington will have to go.
- Do tell. - Cracking jokes in French.
None of which were remotely amusing.
Though I must say the frog teetotaller guffawed profusely.
Anyway, Lance and I are having lunch next week at the club.
Oh, Jeremy's days are numbered, I feel.
Absolutely.
Now...
how about getting outside with a brush and
giving the front of your house a lick of paint?
- Smarten it up a little bit, eh? - Yah.
And your garden leaves a great deal to be desired.
You could have enormous fun out there.
Do you have green fingers?
- My husband used to do all that. - Ah.
Where is he now?
- He's dead. - Jolly good.
- Where shall we eat afterwards? - You choose.
The cavalry has arrived.
- Oh, hi. - Ah.
- I came as soon as I could. - Thank you.
- Laetitia. - Yah.
- Help is at hand. - Ah. Er, hello.
- Hi. - Have you brought the keys?
- Well, I'm not stupid, am I? - Jolly good.
- Well, done. - Hello, Mum.
- Hello. - Who's been a silly girl, then?
I don't think it'll happen again in a hurry.
- What a nice little room. - Thank you, very much.
It's amazing what you can do with a slum, isn't it?
- So, how long have you been here now? - About 18 months.
Oh, so long.
So... you like it round here, then?
Yes, we find it extremely satisfactory.
Each to his own.
I don't wish to appear rude,
but my husband and I do have an engagement and I've yet to take my bath.
I didnâ€™t want to come here in the first place, did I?
And I just want to say... thank you for your hospitality.
Oh... er, it's my pleasure.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
Full steam ahead!
What are you trying to do to me?
I don't believe this!
- What? - I've only forgotten the key.
- You haven't, - I have, if you must know.
Wait here.
And keep your mouth shut.
- May I use your phone? - The phone?
- What's the problem? - You won't believe this.
- What? - She's changed the lock.
- Oh, for goodness' sake! - Extraordinary.
Well, our problem is, I'm afraid, we're rather strapped for time.
- Absolutely. - It'll only take a minute.
- Don't you have a phone next door? - Yeah, but we're locked out.
- You brought the keys... - The wrong one.
- Oh, bad luck. - Well, quickly, quickly!
In you come.
- What's happening, Valerie? - Shut up.
- Who's coming with the keys? - Trust me for once in your life.
.. working tomorrow and tomorrow keeps on this petty pace.
Oh, really?
If we miss the overture, I suggest we cut
our losses go straight out to dinner.
Yes, I'm well aware of the situation, Rupert.
Those seats cost Â£150.
- So what goes on down there? - That's my husband's study.
Oh, look what they've done to your coal hole, Mum.
- Can I take a little peek? - Ah, well...
Rupert!
Oh, this is a fun room, isn't it?
Yah.
So what do you get up to down here, then?
You're not gonna tell me, are you?
- I bet you keep him on a tight rein. - For goodness' sake, my bath!
Titty.
- That's a nice suit. - Thank you.
- Are you in the City? - No.
I'm in wine, as a matter of fact.
Oh, permanently pickled.
- What are you doing? - I think we're neglecting your mother.
Well, we wouldnâ€™t want to do that, would we?
Are you the biker with the infamous key?
Yeah. What's happened to her?
- Nothing. She's tiptop. - Excuse me.
- Do you mind? - No, do you?
- What you doing here? - Hi, Shirl.
Now, are you quite sure you brought the right key?
- What are you on about? - For the door.
- Are you taking the piss? - What?
Where's my mum?
Now, look here, I really have no idea where your mother is,
who she may be, or indeed whether you have one.
- You want a fat lip? - What?
- You heard. - Rupert, don't get involved.
Titty.
Now... what made this country great was a place for everyone
and everyone in his place.
And this is my place.
- Hear, hear! - Fascist.
No, he's not, is he?
- Is that Cyril? - Is this your mother?
- Yeah. - Well, take her away.
And kindly remove that ridiculous Heath Robinson contraption
from off my property.
- Do you own this, then? - Yes, we do.
I thought it was Council.
- What the bloody hell's going on? - Forgot her key.
I'll take that, Mrs Bender.
I thought you'd had an accident or something.
- And where's your key? - Oh, hi, Cyril. Long time no see.
I'll put the kettle on.
Oi, I'm talking to you.
Are you cold, Mrs Bender?
- I bet she's got her key with her. - Yeah, she might have.
What happened?
Didn't they treat you right next door?
Mum?
What's the matter?
Your dad ain't come in yet, has he?
I ain't done the potatoes.
Don't be so daft.
Here, give me my purse.
And hurry up.
He's not on a late turn, is he?
He's dead, Mum.
Where's my prescription?
There's your keys.
Who's that?
- Is this Rene? - It's Shirley.
You're not too big for a good hiding, you know.
Shirl!
- What? - Come and give us a hand.
I'll give her a right-hander.
I need someone to carry the tray.
You carry the tray!
- What's the matter with you? - Don't kick up such a row.
Sorry.
- Want to take your hat off, then? - No.
Oh, all right.
There's your tea, Mum. I've left the bag in.
- I've had enough tea for one day. - You don't have to drink it.
- Oi. What are you up to? - What do you mean?
- You know what I mean. - Yeah.
What is this? Some kind of interrogation or something?
- How's your blood pressure, Mum, eh? - I asked you a question.
- Not in front of Mum, all right? - Why?
- We need to talk. - So start talking.
Not here.
All right. We'll go outside.
OK.
- Won't be a sec, Mum. - I'll wait here, eh?
No, come on.
Sunday week, I'm throwing a surprise party for Mum's 70th birthday
and I want you both to be there. OK?
I want to know who phoned my office.
- Well, I didnâ€™t. - Well, who did?
- Martin. - They said she'd had an accident.
- I didnâ€™t tell him that. - What did you tell him?
- Oh, he is a bastard. - Well, what did you say?
I told him the truth. What else would I say?
- Of course. What else? - Thanks, Shirl.
You're out of your mind, you know that?
Well, it takes one to know one, Cyril.
Are you coming Sunday week or not?
Oh, leave it out.
Try to get him to be there, Shirl.
About 4:30, for Mum's sake. OK?
Bye.
I'll give you a ring, Mum.
- All right? - Oh, no.
Cyril. You'll never guess.
- In you come. - Thanks.
- All right? - Yes, thanks.
- Feel better now? - Yeah.
Good. You shouldn't eat too many Wimpys.
- Yeah, I was all full up. - Wash your hands, then.
Thanks.
That's it. Here. Dry your hands on that.
We'll take a walk round there with you, Wayne.
Yeah.
- Round where? - Round Vivien's.
- Yeah, but she's not in. - We'll find out, won't we.
There you are. Put your coat on.
- Can't we go round there tomorrow? - Come on. Hurry up.
It's freezing out there.
Don't look so worried.
We should leave.
- Come on. - What if she comes back tonight?
Go on, go. Go. Drive him away.
'Ere, you know who he reminds me of?
- Who? - ET.
Go home, ET.
- See you, Wayne. - He's gonna get off.
Oh, leave it out.
Should we go to that party? At Valerie's.
Leave it out.
Well, it might be a good laugh.
You just want to have a look at her house.
Yeah.
- Have a good gander about. - No, I was thinking about your mum.
She won't notice if we're there or not.
She'll notice if you ain't there.
Get in.
Thank you, very much.
What made this country great...
.. was a place for everyone...
And everyone in his place.
- And this... - Is my place.
- Quite right. - Wanna go back to our place?
Say ye who borrow
Love's witching spell
What is this sorrow
- Nought can dispel? - Must we have that bloody awful hymn?
It's not a hymn, darling.
- We sang it at school. - It's from an opera.
What?
I'll give you a teeny-weeny little clue as to which one.
We saw it tonight.
No.
It's easier in English.
What is this sorrowâ€¦?
Two stags, same day.
Totally different.
Silly sausage.
Do you know, I really wasn't very keen on the soprano.
- Too much vibrato. - Kiri?
No, Kiri's a mezzo.
- Marvellous. - I'm talking about Susanna.
- Which one's she? - The little one.
- Oh, the dwarf! - Dreadful thick ankles.
Ah! The man dressed as the woman.
No, darling.
How many timesâ€¦?
Cherubino is the woman who plays the boy who dresses up as a girl.
Ah.
Is my neck looking a little saggy?
Can you see any lines?
Darling!
Itâ€¦ It looks absolutely fine.
- No cold hands! - Sorry.
I thank God every day I have been blessed with such... beautiful skin.
You really are a very lucky boy.
You take me for granted.
You start.
- You start. - You start.
- No, you start. - You start.
No, you bloody start.
Oh, come on.
You get on top.
No, I don't want to get on top.
Start what, anyway?
You're Michael Douglas.
Who?
Michael Douglas.
- Who's Michael Douglas? - Michael...
I ain't Michael Douglas.
I'm a virgin.
He died with his boots on.
He was too pissed to take them off.
Do you want me to help you?
Oh, yeah.
- What will you give me, first? - Anything.
Anything?
- I might hold you to that. - You name it.
This is bloody good of you.
Don't mention it, old chap.
Unzip a banana...
His mum never showed him how to undo his laces.
Give it... Give it a good tug.
Oh, I was gonna ease it off.
I tell you what, eh.
If I can't ease it off, I'll give it a good tug.
Oh, that weren't half nice.
Did you come?
This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed at home.
This little piggy had roast beef,
and this little piggy had none.
And this little piggy was a bad little piggy, and went...
wee! all the way home.
What's the matter?
I'm thinking.
What are you thinking about?
Something sexy?
It has got something to do with sex.
Well, you know me. I'm game for anything.
Are you going to put your cap in?
Do I have to?
What do you mean, do you have to?
Oh, I get it.
No, you don't have to. We could go to sleep.
You think I'm being selfish, don't you?
Yeah.
Well, you can think what you like.
All your family are fucked up.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
How am I fucked up, then?
Go on. You might be right.
Families fuck you up. That's the truth.
My family didnâ€™t fuck me up.
Well, you were lucky, weren't you?
Look at your brother.
Struttin' about in his uniform.
That's just my brother, innit.
- What about your mum, then? - What about her?
Well...
She's catatonic, isn't she?
Your dad never says two words to her.
They're out of date, families.
They ain't no use any more.
Is that what you really think?
Yeah.
Two's company. You know what I mean?
I like living here. Don't you?
Yeah.
This is my place.
Our place.
Oh, yeah.
He's a bit big, isn't he?
He was a giant.
No, I mean his head.
He's all right.
What he done was he wrote down the truth.
People was being exploited.
Industrial Revolution - they was forced off the land into the factories.
There weren't no working class before then.
He set down a programme for change.
He's got his whole family in there with him.
Without Marx, there'd have been nothing.
Oh, look. His grandson was only four when he died.
Kids died young in them days.
I know.
Wouldn't have been no unions,
no welfare state,
no nationalised industries.
I wish I'd brought some flowers now.
Don't matter, does it, flowers?
- What you mean, it don't matter? - He's dead.
You're going on about him.
I'm talking about his ideas.
I know.
"The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways.
The point, however, is to change it."
There you are.
Oh, look. There's the chairman of the South African Communist Party here.
Oh, simpervivums.
I've got these in the back room at home.
They're succulents.
The thing is, change what?
It's a different world now, innit?
That ivy could do with a bit of a prune.
By the year 2000, there'll be 36 TV stations, 24 hours a day,
telling you what to think.
They've planted them trees right on top of them graves.
Pissing in the wind, innit.
- You ain't interested, are you? - Yes, I am. I care a lot.
- Wotcha, comrades. - Hello, Suzi.
- Long time no see. - You all right?
Yeah, been fine.
- Where you been? - Highgate Cemetery.
Someone dead?
Yeah. Karl Marx.
- Oh, yeah, course! - I thought you'd have known that.
I did know that. I just forgot.
He's a reactionary sod, my dad.
When I go home for a visit,
I'm sitting there watching telly, right,
and I look at him and I know he wants to clout me.
- Perhaps she won't tell him, eh? - She will.
They're like that, them two. Always have been.
When we was kids, she was always Daddy's golden girl.
He's a self-made man, right, and she's a bleedin' yuppie.
He loves all that. He thinks...
They both think the sunshines out of Thatcher's arse.
That's out of order, grassing you up to your old man.
Yeah, but she's bitter.
If she had her way, she'd ban abortions altogether.
Do you know what she called me this morning? A murderer.
Why can't she have kids, then?
It's something to do with her hormones.
She's got to take these tablets... cos she can't hold an egg.
- Can't she? - And they make her fat
so she gets all emotional.
They've got this spare room, right,
and that's where I always stay.
So, I says to 'em, "Why don't you let me live here
and I'll give you a bit of money out of my dole every week?"
Then, and she says, "That's not a spare room.
That's a nursery."
So I says, "Well, it's not a nursery, is it, cos you ain't got a baby."
She went up the wall.
She said, "You shouldn't have got pregnant in the first place."
As if I did it on purpose.
As if I put myself through all that for fun.
I wouldnâ€™t have an abortion.
- Wouldn't you? - Nah.
- Well, that's your choice, innit? - Yeah.
You ain't against them, though, are you?
You know I ain't.
You're like my sister. You've got a spare room.
You could have a baby.
You got anyone staying tonight?
No, the room's empty.
It's nothing to do with governments.
It's a woman's choice.
And if they find that it's an abnormal foetus,
well, again, that's a woman's choice. It's her body.
I think, right, that once a foetus is growing, it's alive.
Yeah, but then how do you know when it starts to think or feel anything?
Well, you don't, but it's still a living thing.
So's a cabbage. You still cut it up.
What pisses me off is everyone goes on about the unborn foetus.
No-one gives a shit what sort of world kids are born into.
Right. If you ain't got no money, well, scuse me for breathing, right.
I mean, we're fighting, right, to hold onto rights we fought for years ago.
She's already crippled the welfare state.
And now she's gonna kill it off because the power isn't with the workers.
I wanna go to Nicaragua in October, to help them pick the coffee beans.
That's what we need here, see - a revolution.
Here we go.
That'll put back the power with the people.
Where it belongs.
What do you know about revolution? There won't be none here.
You can't say that. The situation's ripe for it.
What, with the unemployment and poverty and that.
We're heading towards a totalitarian state.
But the people won't have it. They're gonna fight.
She's taken away the basic right of the working class.
I mean, you look at what she's doing to the unions.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know about unions.
You're not in a union, though, are you?
Well, we ain't got no union.
Right, that's what you've got to do - organise yourselves...
otherwise you won't have a voice.
- Still looking for a job, then? - There's no point.
Unless you're a skilled worker.
What are you gonna do, then?
Well, I might get a stall in the market.
- Like Linda. - Oh, what - jewellery?
Yeah. But I've got to learn how to make it.
I'll have to have a soldering kit.
So you're going into business? Small-time capitalist.
She didnâ€™t say that.
- She did. - She never.
She talks about revolutionary socialism, yet she's starting a business. Think.
- You think. - Talks a load of bollocks.
She always does.
- Are you warm enough, Suzi? - Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.
- Still go to your meetings, then? - Yes.
Wednesday nights.
- You should come along, Cyril. - I'm not much of a lad for meetings.
It'd do you good to get out and do something,
instead of sitting on your arse talking about it.
So what is it you do at these meetings?
- We discuss things. - Yeah, but what do you actually do?
- We talk about things. - So, you talk. What good's that?
- It gets it clear in your brain. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah, so when you're out in the street talking
to people, you know what you're talking about.
But apart from the yabber, what do you actually do?
We're working towards the revolution.
You're wasting your time, then, ain't you?
Well, what do you do?
Sit on my arse.
Don't know why you don't get yourself out.
Have some fun. I won't stop you.
I'm really dying to go out on the town. Can't wait.
That's why I'm always going on about having babies.
- Same thing, innit? - What's the same?
Nah...
All a bourgeois game, innit.
Get yourself into a nice house, couple of kids, dog...
- .. garden with a greenhouse. - I wouldnâ€™t say no to the green house.
You don't know what you want.
No, you don't know what I want, do you.
- I feel cut off. - What, from me?
No, not from you.
- Tell me what you want. - Don't tell me what to say.
I ain't telling you. I'm asking you.
I can't say. It's too obvious.
- Too complicated. - Go on.
It'll sound stupid.
I want everyone to have enough to eat.
I told you.
- Places to live, jobs. - Don't we all.
Then you have babies.
I ain't gonna get what I want, though, am I?
No.
So, do you want to knock it on the head?
I can't wave a magic wand.
I'm a dead loss.
Don't do nothing. Just sit here moaning.
Don't know why you don't clear off.
- I would... - Go on, then.
.. if I didnâ€™t love you.
I don't want you to go. I just keep feeling I'm holding you back.
You are holding me back, you stupid bastard.
Are you thick?
The world ain't ever gonna be perfect.
Now, then, how's my little birthday girl?
Cheer up - it might never happen.
How old are you? 21?
17, and never been kissed?
Er... I said "kissed"!
I bet you was a right little raver, wasn't you, in your day?
Doing the Charleston!
Know what I mean?
Here, do you fancy a drink?
I don't go in pubs.
Come on - don't be a pain in the arse.
There's a couple of old geezers in my boozer who'd cream their jeans over you.
Get their pacemakers going at 78, you would.
Where's Valerie?
Hangover or something.
Cor, I could do with some of that.
Won't be a minute, my darling. Just got to see a man about a dog.
All right, my darling? How are you doing?
You gave me a fright.
A little surprise for you. You like little surprises, don't you?
- What's the time, anyway? - Come on, give us a kiss.
Come on!
What's the matter?
I'll put the kettle on.
Sod that. I ain't got a lot of time. I'm in a rush.
It don't half pong in here.
Gordon Bennett!
- Oi, come on! - Do you want tea or coffee?
I don't want nothing. Come here.
I waited till half-12 for you the other night.
Oh, yeah. I got a bit tied up. Sorry about that.
What do you mean?
Oh, some wallies from Birmingham showed up.
Come on, darling. I'm rock hard.
- Don't be so rude. - Look, leave it out! I am.
Look, don't mess me about - I've only got about ten minutes.
- I've got somebody in the car. - Who?
- Don't matter. - Who's in the car?
Someone you don't know. Come on, darling. Let's go to bed.
- Get off. - You know you want it.
Let's just do it.
- Who is it? - Who's what?
In the car.
My mother-in-law, if you must know.
Liar.
It is.
Have you seen your kid?
No. I ain't seen neither of them since before Christmas.
What are you doing?
I've got to go.
I'll catch up with you, right?
Shall we go home now, then?
Ah! Hi, Cyril. So, you found it all right? Hi, Shirl.
All right?
Well, don't just stand there. Come in.
Must be cold on that bike.
So, you're gonna hide behind this door.
And when she comes in, I want you to jump out
like this, and give her a surprise. All right?
- Just like that? - That's right, Shirley.
- We'll frighten the life out of her. - Cyril, just relax, please.
- I am relaxed. - Do you think they got lost?
No!
Oh! Is that for me?
No, it's your mum's birthday present.
- Crisp, Shirl? - No, thanks.
Cyril won't want one.
- So, what is it, then? - It's a shawl.
Oh, she won't like that.
What did you get her?
Well, why should I tell you? Have you seen our fire?
You can turn it up or down. Look.
It's not real.
- Ain't it? - Did you choose all this, then?
Yeah. Do you like it?
- Bit noisy, innit? - I can't hear anything.
- We're detached. - Are you?
This supposed to be a chess set, then?
- Don't you play, Shirl? - Yeah. Do you?
- Yeah! - Yeah?
You've got all the bits in the wrong place.
That's a rook.
That should go on the outside.
And that should go there.
Leave that alone, please! All right? Look.
I like it like that. All right?
Here he is - the jerk in the Merc.
No, the wanker in the tanker.
The weasel in the diesel.
Where the bleedin' hell have you been?
- I got tied up. Business. - What sort of business?
None of your business. Never mind that. She
wants to go to the khazi. She's bursting.
- Close the door. - Close your mouth.
All right, Cyril? How you doing? Wotcha, Sheila.
- Shirley. - Want a drink?
I've got one, thanks... Marvin.
Mum, what are you doing in there?
Oh, come on!
What have you got your hat on for? Going on your holidays?
Don't leave that there.
Oh, bloody hell!
- You said you was coming for me. - Shut up.
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Mum, happy birthday to you
All right?
Look who's here. It's Cyril. What a surprise!
- All right, Mrs Bender? - And he's brought Shirley.
Now, what are you having to drink? Sherry?
- Champagne! - We ain't got champagne.
- We have, actually. Six bottles. - A cup of tea.
- You don't want tea. - Yes, she does.
- It's your birthday! - Get her a cup of tea.
We have got all the drink money can buy. Why has she got to have tea?
- Get her a cup of tea. - It's what she wants.
She always spoils everything. Hello, baby.
I'm sorry, Shirl. Over there, please. Thank you.
Mum, I've got your tea.
This is bloody barmy, sitting round the table.
Shut up.
You'd think we was having steak and chips.
Don't drag her.
I know how to handle my own mum, thank you.
Sit down. You're the birthday girl.
Shirl, sit down. Cyril, not there.
- Well, where, then? - Over there, next to Shirley.
- Martin, what are you doing? - Getting pissed.
Well, come and sit at the head of the table.
I'll go and get the tea.
I wouldnâ€™t eat them - you might get stomach-ache.
Handy, though, a brass banana. You never know when you'll want one of those.
They don't grow on trees.
Martin! The champagne!
All right, keep your hair on.
Shall I give her her present now?
Yeah, go on.
We bought you this for your birthday.
- What is it? - Well, open it.
- It's a shawl, innit? - Here we are!
What am I supposed to do with this?
I told you so!
Wrap it round your shoulders. Keep yourself warm.
- Did you get our present, Mum? - What?
- My present. - No.
Oh, typical Harrods!
Why don't you shut your gob?
- Shall I get rid of that? - There we are, blossom.
I don't want any.
Go on. It's the best money can buy. Cyril?
- No, I've got a beer. I'll drink that. - So will I.
You want a beer? 'Ere, get their beers.
We're not having beer. We've got champagne.
If they want beer, they shall have it.
- Martin, what are you playing at? - Get out of it.
Here we are. Dos cervezas, por favor.
Now, my darling, you know class when you see it, don't you?
- I don't want any. - Come on, you only live once.
- What about me? - All right, all right!
Mum, pick up your glass. Pick it up!
Don't talk to her like that.
Shirl, this is a family occasion. All right?
I would like to propose a toast to Mum's birthday, cos it could be her last.
What you've got to learn is, you've got to speculate to accumulate.
- Accumulate what? - Money. What's your weekly turnover?
- You mean what the boss makes? - No, no, what you make.
Mind your own business.
Well, you can trust me. Who am I gonna tell?
I earn enough.
- I bet you don't. - You all right, Mrs Bender?
- I'm still alive. - And kicking.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, Cyril. I'm
gonna give you a piece of professional advice.
Go on.
Your best bet is to form yourself a little company.
What for?
Well, you let the other wallies do the dirty work,
and you sit in Happy Valley collecting the dosh.
I wouldnâ€™t do that, on principle.
How do you mean?
No, look, I'm being serious. Business is booming.
They all need delivery boys. What are you waiting for?
It ain't everybody's purpose in life to accumulate money.
Ah, out of order, Cyril. I'll tell you something free of charge...
every man has his price.
We ain't all like you.
I know you ain't all like me. Very few are.
He's in a dead-end job. What are you gonna be doing when you're 45, 50?
You won't want to be on the street, all weathers,
on a moped all day. You've got to think ahead.
- I'll manage. - Where do you think this lot come from?
Off the back of a lorry.
You ain't as stupid as you look.
Shame I can't say the same about you, innit?
You've got a lot to learn, Cyril.
How long have you and Cyril been going together?
- About ten years. - Gonna get married?
Why? What's it to you?
If you get married, we'll be related, won't we?
But in the meantime...
Have you ever done any modelling?
No, but I've done a bit of yodelling.
She taught me to yodel, yodel-ay-ee-hee...
I see you ain't done none.
Have you and Cyril got one of these - what do you call it?...
open relationships, sort of thing?
- Nip off and do other things? - Like what?
- Bit of this, bit of that. - Bit of the other?
- You got it. - Why? Is that what you do, then?
Not me. I'm a happily married man.
Oh, yeah. You've got a great big car, ain't you?
- Are you gonna come out in the garden? - No.
Give me some of your professional advice?
Do me a favour.
Actually, there's one particular plant I'd like you to have a look at.
Yeah, I'll bet there is.
Down the bottom end, away from the house.
Yeah?
Hang on - I'll go and get my garden shears out.
Come on - it's nice and dark now.
I hope she ain't too cold.
What, like you?
Wanker.
Ah, hello, Cyril. Have you got everything you want?
Yeah, I have, as it happens.
What the fuck are you doing? I'm just sitting down.
- Why are you sitting on the floor? - I'm getting the cake ready.
Get the cake ready, then.
- Have you drunk all that champagne? - No!
- Give me some. - Don't drink all that!
- Listen, get in there. - Don't you shout at me.
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Mum, happy birthday to you
There. Are you gonna blow the candle out?
Come on - blow!
Mum, blow the candle out.
Want me to do it for you?
Cyril, keep your nose out of this, please!
Come on! One, two, three...
- Hurray! - Happy birthday, my darling.
Make a wish. I know what I'd wish.
- We all know that, Martin. - You don't.
- Well, we can imagine, can't we? - No, you can't.
Now, are you gonna have some of this delicious cake, Mum?
- I can't eat that. - Course you are!
- If she don't want none... - Cyril, she's gonna have some cake.
Here you are, Mum. Open wide. Down the hatch. Open.
Oh, look, leave her alone!
If she don't want it, she ain't gonna have any.
It's her birthday.
.. And she's having some cake, or else her wish goes down the drain.
What are you talking about?
Let her eat it in her own time.
Listen, will you not shout in front of Mum?
It's her birthday, and you stick a forkful
of cake in her face. What's wrong with you?
You're having a breakdown.
I'm having a breakdown? You've been
having a breakdown for the last 20 years!
No, it's all them drugs, isn't it? Cos you're a drug addict.
You wouldn't know, Shirley. You're the same.
You're always drunk.
Look at yourself! Talking about me!
Go upstairs, look in the mirror and look at yourself.
Don't tell me what to do in my own house.
- You're a disgrace. - Who's a disgrace? Look at you!
You fill the house with expensive tat.
It ain't her birthday party. It's got nothing to do with her. It's for you.
Let's face it, you are jealous. You want to put everybody down, Cyril.
You even stopped Mum having her own house.
I stopped Mum having her own house? You wanted her to buy that house,
just so you could sell it off later on, when she's gone, and make a huge profit.
You don't half look nice.
Thanks.
So do you.
Val? Come on out.
Hello, Delta? Is that Davey?
It's Cyril from Greased Lightning.
- Come on! - How's it going?
No, no, I don't want no more at the moment.
No, no, it was great.
I need a cab a bit sharpish.
Yeah, I'll hold on.
Come on, then, Mrs Bender. Put your coat on.
- Where am I going? - You're going home.
- Who's taking me? - I hope he ain't ringing Hong Kong.
We're phoning for a taxi for Mrs Bender.
Who? Oh.
- I ain't going in no taxi on my own. - I'll come with you, then.
'Ere, you don't wanna go home yet, darling.
You've only just got here.
- Who's paying for it? - We're paying.
- I ain't paying for it. - No, I ain't paying for it, neither.
Sit down, then.
'Ere, Val, get your arse down here!
- 20 minutes. - I'll go back with her.
Is that OK? You all right for dosh?
No.
- Four-eyed fucking moron! - You talking to me?
Oh, yeah! No, not you, Cyril. Your bleedin' sister.
Fair enough.
How much is a cab to King's Cross?
Well, you've got to be talking 15.
- See you later. - Last of the big spenders, eh, Cyril?
Drive safely.
Cyril, would you like a drop of whisky? I've got a bottle of Chivas Regal.
'Ere, Cyril, I'll tell you something.
You're my fucking brother-in-law!
'Ere, darlin', wanna go to the pub?
Women! All the bleedin' same. Fucking losers.
Won't be long.
- I don't know the way. - Don't you?
You've got a hot-water bottle at your house, ain't you?
What do I want to go home for?
I don't want nothing off her. Who does she think she is?
- Who? - Freda.
Who's Freda?
Brown-Eyed Handsome Man
Quick. Your mum wants to go to the toilet.
What's happened?
She didnâ€™t want to go home. She's all right.
- Mind your hand. You'll get a prick. - That's all she's short of!
Now, give us your bag. That's it. In you go.
All right?
Oh, that's a nice smell. I'm starving.
Oh, I ain't half glad to see you.
- What's going on? - She went a bit vague.
- What did you bring her back here for? - She was upset.
- So? - She's your mum.
I don't want her here.
She keeps losing herself.
Who's Freda?
- Freda? - Yeah, she was talking about her.
That's my Auntie Freda, her sister.
- How long have them pies been in? - Be ready in a minute. Here, hurry up.
Don't forget to drink your tea.
You can have a cup of tea, if you want.
Oh, thanks!
Is this the bed room?
No, it's the front room, innit?
We sleep in here cos it's warmer.
I've been here.
No, you ain't.
I have.
No, this is our house.
- Man-mad, she was. - Who was man-mad?
I never took him away from her.
What's the matter?
- Did Valerie give me a present? - No, she never.
She said we was getting off at the Nag's Head.
How was I supposed to see?
I caught my shoe in the tram lines.
What did she have to smack my legs for?
She never laid a finger on Freda.
They both stood there laughing at me, in front of all them people.
It weren't my fault.
Why should I always have to wear Freda's hand-me-downs?
All right for Rene - she always had a new frock.
It's all right.
I told her: I've never been drunk in my life.
I want to go to bed.
I'd better get her a cab.
Yeah, I think so. 'Ere, where are you going?
I'm gonna phone 'em up.
She's spark out.
Who's that?
It's a skeleton. It's no-one.
It's a poster for nuclear disarmament.
I suppose we'd better sleep in the other room.
There's no way I'm sleeping in the other room.
- Ain't there? - No.
Oh, all right.
I'll be 70 in 2026, if we're all still here.
That'll be the centenary of the General Strike.
What?
I'll be 35 in June.
If we have a kid this year, when you're 70, he'll be 35.
- Oh, leave it out. - Or she.
- Father Christmas. - Ho, ho, ho.
What would you rather have - a boy or a girl?
I don't mind, really. One of each.
What would you rather have?
I'd rather have a rusty spike shoved up my arse.
What are we gonna do about your mum?
What was it she said? She never took him away from her?
From who?
- From Freda. - No.
- Yeah, she had a thing about her. - No. It'll be my Auntie Rene.
She must have meant my dad.
I'll have to go round there more often.
She needs more than that. She needs looking after.
I know.
Are you scared of getting old?
A bit. Are you?
Dunno.
- I'm scared of looking back. - What do you mean?
From 25 to 35- best years of your life, aren't they?
- And what about after that? - Down hill.
What, all the way?
I'm scared of getting bitter.
You won't get bitter.
I ain't got my cap in.
What is it?
Have a look.
- Did you nick it? - No, it followed me home.
- You're gonna be late for work. - Yeah. Can't be helped, though, can it?
I'll be all right for a bit.
'Ere. I haven't had my pills.
- Well, how did you sleep? - Like a baby.
Well, you can do without your pills, then, can't you?
- I'll have to go home soon. - Yeah, you're a dirty stop-out!
Must have a bath.
Are you warmer now?
Yeah.
This is nice.
All right?
- 'Ere, where's this? - On the roof, innit?
Can you manage?
Come on.
Want to have a rest?
Here, sit down here.
- Will we get told off? - Don't you worry about a thing.
Hey, Cyril, bring her over here.
Come on.
Where are we going?
There's King's Cross. Look.
And there's St Pancras.
- Station? - Yeah.
- What's this? - It's my garden, innit?
- Through there, look - St Paul's Cathedral.
- Like a tit, innit? - Shut up!
Come and have a look at the trains.
- Don't go too close. - It's all right.
- It's where Dad used to work, innit? - I know.
- I know you know. - Wanna go on a train?
- Not today. - No, when it's warmer.
- Where would you like to go? - I've been to Margate.
You don't wanna go there. We'll take you somewhere nice. Ramsgate.
- Aldgate. - Harrogate.
- Cow and Gate. - Watergate.
Do you want to sit down?
Over there - look. That's where you live.
Yeah, behind the gasworks.
It's the top of the world.
I said it's the top of the world.